Author: Theophanes Avery

Theophanes Avery is a whimsical travel blogger that is hopelessly in love with New England and all it's weird places, people, and things. Besides running way too many blogs they are the author of three books, at least one of them good, and they also enjoy raising aquarium fish in Walsted tanks, sculpting, Sharpie doodling, knitting, tattooing leather, homesteading, and whatever other hobby tickles their raging ADD. Less fortunately they are a hopelessly impoverished spoonie yelling to the world, "WE NEED MORE COMMUNITY!" but alas no one's listening. Make sure to find them on the FaceBook. They love new oddball friends. Fly the freak flag high my darlings!

Avery & Dash Collections – Stamford Connecticut

Avery & Dash Collections was so affluent an establishment that they use an ampersand (this little guy &) instead of the word and. We were greeted warmly at the door where I said a cheerful hello to an older lady. Despite my drab appearance that day I usually can pretend I fit in just about anywhere and women in particular are generally happy to accept that I do. Men on the other hand….

There was a very articulately dressed young man in his twenties, tall and lean, who looked at us coming in like we were shit-covered rats. Oh God they let in the Poors. His whole body literally tensed up at the thought and I have never in my life wanted so badly to invade someone’s personal space as I did in that moment. You know, just run up and give him a big bear hug, rub some of those destitution cooties all over his silk shirt. Not wishing to be escorted off the property via cop I behaved, though I did make sure to pass unreasonably close as we walked by.

This place was chic. So fancy! Just… overtly so. But it was more than that. It was playful. Here mixed in with the fine china were crystal dinosaurs set on the table. OK, if you’re the kind of rich that puts crystal dinosaurs out for the dinner guests you’re OK in my book. That’s just hilarious. Obviously, there were pieces of real dinosaurs and other fossils here and there including a sea scorpion which had to have been locally found. I’d never set eyes on one before but I always wanted to.

Here the leopard spot pillows were made of actual leopards. Now I do not condone in any way the hunting of leopards or the use of their gorgeous pelts but when else would I ever get a chance to touch a real goddamn leopard fur? I pet it. It was super course lacking in any softness whatsoever.

This place also had a lot of paintings and other things you’d hang on the wall. Things you’d normally see in a museum. And then a few things that were OBVIOUSLY clever poor people fleecing the rich for all they were worth including a bell jar full of ordinary sea shells for SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS. Clearly, I’m in the wrong profession. I wanted to meet whoever sold that piece to a place like this. You, my dear, are mypersonal hero.

Onward we went getting more and more engrossed with this place with every breath. It did however have a possibly haunted bathroom. I say this because there wasn’t really anything in it but when I went to leave it there was a HUGE bang like someone had just thrown a dresser at the wall. I looked back, horrified something may have fallen, but there was nothing to fall in this little one stall bathroom. We left soon after. I can take a hint.

If you are fortunate enough to be haplessly sitting on a mountain of cold hard cash this place would be well worth a good poke. And if you’re a Dicken’s styled street urchin like myself you still might have fun seeing just how big the wage gap in the US really is not to mention seeing a lot of things that should live in a museum! I very much enjoyed this place.

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The Antique & Artisan Gallery – Stamford Connecticut

Earlier on in the day we had decided to take the long drive to Connecticut to check out an “antique store” that had one review which seemed to be talking about a hiking trail and had a photo of a little dog. This intrigued my travel companion but when we showed up at the listed address it was CLEARLY just someone’s swank driveway. A second choice ended up actually being a super pricey little furniture store that had a big sign reading, “No photography.” Their loss – they would have gotten free publicity from this blog.

Not wanting to have wasted two and a half hours of driving time he picked a third destination which ended up being the Antique and Artisian Gallery and this WAS WORTH IT. It did not look from the outside to be an antique store but looks can be deceiving. In front of a giant artificial hedge wall there was a bunch of garden statuary – most Grecco Roman in style, all with a gorgeous patina, some purposely with missing limbs or heads to be perfect replicas of real statues. It was the sort of thing you might find in a well-manicured hedge maze or flower garden in front of a mansion. Still, we didn’t know just how rich this antique store was, that’d take a few moments more.

The initial room at the entrance still didn’t belie where we had ended up. The antiques here were a continuation of garden statuary and seemed more or less normal faire but beyond that we found a hallway of mirrors and on the wall an intricately painted medieval era wagon back. I had NO IDEA people ever painted wagons with motifs or that they were just as beautiful as actual paintings of the time. It was startling to realize that some parts of the dark ages were… colorful. But who had kept this wooden panel for several hundred years?!?

Beyond this was an absolutely enormous sprawling antique mall with artifacts I was afraid to even breathe on. Above us were chandeliers of every variety, most exactly what you’d think of when the word chandelier comes up, but then there was one in the shape of a ship so obviously I was drawn to it. That’s weird. Turns out it was $36,000 worth of weird. I gasped. I had mentioned earlier that this part of Connecticut is where rich folks from NYC come to be in mansions among the trees but lord, I didn’t realize just how wealthy. I stopped looking at price tags. I didn’t want to jinx myself and break something worth a college education!

I was absolutely delighted that one whole booth and smattered about there was a series of absolutely pristine wooden Victorian birdcages that were just as exquisitely huge and eccentric as the mansions that probably once housed them. Some were even in the shape of castles and this delighted my sense of whimsy. A single live and solitary female Glouster canary moped around in one – surrounded by luxury but lacking any companions she seemed a sad and depressed little creature but not nearly as much as the taxidermized birds under bell jars we started to find!

The fads of the super wealthy often revolve around the “exotic” – that is artifacts from far off lands and or a great distance in the past. This place was a better representation of this than usual with an enormous amount of Chinese pottery. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there were Ming dynasty vases in there! I didn’t breathe on any of them!

Not to be outdone there were medieval European artifacts of various kinds, a number of Asian religious statues, everything from Buddhas to Vishnu, as well as a bunch of scary masks from around the world. Dolls too. Swanky creepy ethnically diverse dolls from God knows where. Probably deeply cursed. I mean wouldn’t anything with these prices be?

This place was WILD to poke through. It was just soooooo out there to be amongst so much stuff from the likely unreasonably affluent. Like a completely different world. But I mean I do think it’s a good thing to explore things so different from your own existence. You never know what you are going to see or learn. So, if you happen to have Scrooge McDuck level finances or you just want a glimpse into this world check it out! As well as the antique store right next door at Avery & Dash Collections.

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Wrentham Country Store – Wrentham MA

After poking around Under the Bed Antiques we continued onward to another antique store which we found out we’d already been to before. Not really wanting to go home with just one measly blog entry my navigator chose a third and final location – a country store.

Keep in mind I am used to the country stores in Vermont and Upstate NY which are… hard to beat. I was dubious about a country store being in such a populous location in Massachusetts and was delighted to see the store itself seemed to also have this attitude. Although it seemed to be made from an old barn and farmhouse there was a sign out front basically stating in a tongue-in-cheek way this place had all the charm of the country and none of the mess. No barn, no animals, just chic. Country chic. And indeed if you live in the area and that is your vibe you absolutely have to check this place out.

Sadly, I don’t have a home to decorate all nice and pretty so this was mostly a bust for me, until that is I found a very decently priced jar of marbles for $28. I can’t believe how the price of marbles just skyrocketed the second I decided I needed to use them for this blog but you know – it is what it is. Anywhere else would be charging $50 for a mason jar of marbles. Or $80 if we’re somewhere swank.

As I was checking out the two women at the counter sure had a ball selling them to me.

“Oh great, you’re buying her marbles. Now she’s lost them!” An apt pun for this blog. REALLY APT.

They continued to burble and talk about how every jar of marbles is counted. No reason. Just a compulsion. They then asked if I collected marbles. I didn’t know what to say because yes and no..? Seemed odd to say yes, I occasionally buy marbles so I can spread them around like glitter to make my blog more gimmicky. Instead, I said it was for my photography. I was wandering around with a camera after all…

“Ah! Like staging and stuff!”

Sure, why not.

It was a cute encounter. The people at this place definitely added to the experience.

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Under the Bed Antiques – Stoughton MA

Under the Bed Antiques was a fun little adventure. Admittedly I had a hard time finding it. It was much easier to find the mattress store which is above it – which I guess explains the adorable store name! But anyway, it was around the corner and in the basement where there was a few parking spaces and a modest sign.

I have been to so many antique stores by now that I am sort of running out of descriptive words but this place? It had its own feel, and that feel was punk! Punk to the max with a mixing of Kitch and nostalgia. The first thing that greeted us was a Home Alone doll that I am sure was up to something. I mean look at the expression on that face!

Beyond that was a fairly decently sized antique mall with all sorts of delightfully quirky vendors. I was just having so much fun here. Of course there was the usual fare of potentially possessed dolls and creepy clowns but it was absolutely lacking in racist bullshit! And in its place it had some fucking weird music related antiques. Truely bizarre records (which I didn’t look through because I know I’d want them all!) As well as retro clothes ranging from Grateful Dead Bear swimming trunks to punky drainpipes. And then we found the prettiest damn accordion I have ever seen nestled in a corner with a two-foot-tall Joe Camel plushie. Just mental. My companion also noted that every booth was playing different contradictory music which really soothes the chaos demons.

What this place lacked in size it made up in character and I LOVED it. Well worth a visit!

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Stanley Mill Antiques – Uxbridge MA

Another antique mall in a mill! And it’s in the same town as our last pick Bernat Antiques.

This place at first seemed very desolate. It has a huge parking lot which was so empty we weren’t even sure if the place was open. But it was… and it was sufficiently large and weird enough for a very satisfying poke.

I always love the places that have surprise extra floors or a basement full of cheaper oddities. This place didn’t disappoint in that department! Mixed in with the usual assortment of cute little glass bottles there was a joyous mixture of ill-titled books, locally created art, some bizarre cast iron banks, tiny pans, and even a dish that looked like an ammonite.

The Wizard of Oz collectable Jack in the boxes were absolute nightmare fuel and I’m all for that. As well as the child sized pantaloons because well, where else are you going to find that?? This place had a real nice mix of things and price ranges depending on the booth that caught your eye. And interestingly enough it also was lacking in racist bullshit. I mean there was some but not nearly as much as I’d expected…

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Bernat Antiques – Uxbridge MA

What do I love more than an antique store? An antique store in an old mill! And this one was super close to where I used to live a few years ago. And I had no idea! Why? Because it’s not in the center of town, it’s kind of off in a residential area which honestly makes it more lovable.

I was also happy this place was big with a bunch of different vendors, none of which seemed be shying on the cursed doll scale. Obviously loved that. Still hope someday I’ll live somewhere where I can have my own terrifying doll display. I’m not going to guarantee it won’t just be a tree in the front yard with old naked dolls just hanging from it to distress passers by and let it be known I’d never live within an HOA.

In addition to whole dolls they also had baskets of random parts as well as witchy booth with all sorts of weird potions like Bat Drool. I don’t know what Bat Drool is but I am intrigued. There was also a great deal of things you could buy to put in a nursery and scar your children for life mostly of the clown variety but here too I use the term clown with great lenience. Oh, and a lot of dubious wall art that gave off a bit of that uncomfortable ick feeling including two toddlers engaged in what appears to be a nonconsensual kiss! Is it cute, awkward, or just ewe? You decide.

Yup, this was a fun adventure.

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Fort Barton & Fort Barton Woods Tiverton RI

It was another humid day that felt like we were vacationing on a swamp on the sun. Just thick dank air. Still, it was cloudy so maaaaybe we could get away with being outside. MAYBE.

We decided not to go too far and found Fort Barton and the Fort Barton Woods only a few minutes away. It was apparently the spot of the Battle of Rhode Island. Never heard of it? Don’t worry, this was news to me too, maybe because it was ultimately a battle we lost… to the British. I guess we were trying to protect Newport and the whole island from this strategic point but when that didn’t work the British came in and occupied the city instead.

There aren’t really any remnants of the fort left, at least not that I could see, but there was a nice observation tower you could climb and gain a really nice view of the bay and the island beyond and there was ample parking for such a little-known gem.

There were several trails here and maps to help guide the way. We chose the shortest loop path because after getting out of the car we were starting to realize how oppressive and sticky it was out there. We basically raced at a very brisk walk, up and down craggy little hills. It wasn’t the most challenging but at the same time the last thing either of us wanted today was to be fighting against the gravity of various hills.
Still, the path was nice. It seemed as if a lot of people had been through here even if it looked at times quite hairy and overgrown. To the side we were even lucky enough to find a wee little cemetery nestled in the woods, protected by stone walls. Most of the monuments seem to have been missing to time but a small handful still stood wearily looking over what appeared to be a farm of some sort. A rooster crowed in the background and melted my heart. I forgot how much I loved that sound.

I was doing pretty good even though I almost immediately started overheating. I was able to make almost the whole loop (which was less than a mile) before I had to sit down. By then I could feel the heat coming off my face like a burner. I was dizzy, disoriented, and knew I was in trouble — yet again. I sat on a cold rock, my feet propped up on another rock. I didn’t have any water so this would have to do. Luckily by then we were really close to the car and I cranked up the AC and went home after recovering for a few minutes.

Despite these difficulties it was very pretty! The overgrowth gave it a sort of fairy like charm. I snapped a few shots with my phone and decided to come back on some cooler day to take the longer loop path.

All and all we learned some history, enjoyed a lot of greenery, somehow avoided a plague of ticks (seriously, take bug spray) and managed to not die of heat stroke. I’d call that a win!

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The Godmother of All Little Libraries – Pickity Place Mason NH

Of all the free little libraries I have visited throughout New England the one at Pickety Place has the most endearing back story and dare I say it’s also by far the most whimsically beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

The story starts in 1786 when this sweet little cottage was built in what I can only guess was wilderness. I don’t have any idea how it’s managed to stay standing (and so loved!) throughout all these years but it still there proudly in the middle of nowhere. It is such a charming and unique setting that Elizabeth Orton Jones used it as the model for her illustrations in Little Red Riding Hood (Little Golden Books, 1948).

Currently it stands as a restaurant and museum surrounded by the most delightful little flower and herb gardens. It has remained burned into the memories of locals because it’s not just a restaurant, it’s an experience. When I went to find it (looking for the library on the grounds) I was wound down a series of increasingly sketchy dirt roads until I was sure the Prius and myself were going to be eaten by bears. And then out of nowhere appeared this property and it’s weird Byzantine parking lot amongst the trees. Seriously the parking lot was the strangest I’d ever seen.

I did not go on a day the restaurant was open because I was only looking for the library and… well to be frank, I’m way to poor for this sort of thing. I can’t even afford McDonalds on my own much less an experience, but that being said I am told the food is out of this world. I’ve literally never heard anything bad about this place which brings us to the library – that sweet, ornate, library just bursting with love.

The library is made from the stump of a very old and very beloved tree which succumbed to the forces of nature and split in twain during a particularly egregious snowstorm. The tree could not be saved but the mourning process brought forth an idea – what if what remained could somehow be repurposed and given a new sort of life? And that’s how this stunning little library came into existence. The stump was deprived of its bark, stained, hollowed out, and artists were commissioned to create exquisitely carved doors, a stained-glass window for the back, and a roof. I can’t tell you how mesmerized I was by this creation. And I was so honored to leave a signed copy of my book Achilles in Heels in it! But you know what was even more amazing? Someone “caught” my book and left a wonderful review on BookCrossing before “releasing it into the wild” to be captured by someone else. I have donated signed copies of my books to dozens of libraries at this point and this was the first one someone publicly claimed through the Book Crossing program. Can you say my heart nearly exploded in warmth and joy? Because it totally did.

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Another Man’s Treasure – Salem CT

After checking out Nathan Hall’s Antique Center we still didn’t have enough for the day and were far enough from home to want to slip yet one more little exploration in there, so we ended up not too far away at Another Man’s Treasure which was our second pick after the first turned out to be an obsolete store… Anyway, it’s in a little plaza, in the corner store at the back.

And I must say the displays in this place were really nice. They even somehow made a couple jars of pickled god-knows-what from god-knows-when look amazing! And they somehow managed to make a couple closets into displays as well. All and all though this was a rather small shop and didn’t have much in the way of the usual things I am drawn too. It was all a bit… sanitized… but hey, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into check it out if you find yourself in the area!

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Nathan Hale Antique Center – Coventry CT

The Nathan Hale Antique Center was one of our more unique adventures. We had travelled all the way out to Connecticut after getting a lead from an antiques pamphlet having no idea that this particular shop was in an old church. I admit the outside looked pretty run down and we had our doubts but upon wandering the whole perimeter looking for an entrance we found a little shop in the basement selling all sorts of Christmasy things (as it was December) mixed among the antiques. It was small, charming, and sweet, and we were told all of the upstairs was also an antique store if we wanted to wander back outside to the front entrance.

And we were happily surprised by this recycled church! Here there were several stalls with different kinds of antiques, all very well displayed for the most part. It was cozy and warm and everything I hadn’t previously associated with an old church. There was even a few vendors who’d set up on the podium. Obviously, all the pews were gone. I was surprised to see more medieval looking art in a few nooks and corners as well as a lot of country chic type decor. It was all very cozy.

And another great thing about this place was that there was another antique store right across the road and another still just down the street a little ways although that one was closed on that particular day.

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