Author: Theophanes Avery

Theophanes Avery is a whimsical travel blogger that is hopelessly in love with New England and all it's weird places, people, and things. Besides running way too many blogs they are the author of three books, at least one of them good, and they also enjoy raising aquarium fish in Walsted tanks, sculpting, Sharpie doodling, knitting, tattooing leather, homesteading, and whatever other hobby tickles their raging ADD. Less fortunately they are a hopelessly impoverished spoonie yelling to the world, "WE NEED MORE COMMUNITY!" but alas no one's listening. Make sure to find them on the FaceBook. They love new oddball friends. Fly the freak flag high my darlings!

Laurel Hill Cemetery – Wilton NH

After spending a peaceful morning exploring the woods around Purgatory Falls I had decided to continue my adventuring by finding a bunch of Tiny Free Libraries in the area but as I was doing this I kept getting distracted by cemeteries. There’s nothing more alluring to me than an old cemetery deep in the forest and there seemed to be a great deal of them today. After behaving myself and passing three I finally relented when I saw the Laurel Hill Cemetery.

It had a sweet little historical marker out front and a very inviting driveway. I drove in and just like the nearby Vale End Cemetery I’d explored not long ago there was signs about opening hours and rules. No planting of anything in the ground. OK OK, I get it. And I must say for a New England cemetery it was really well plotted out. Everything was on a perfect grid, the roads were nice and straight and clean, the stones themselves were very evenly and amply spaced out, and even weirder this whole place was on flat ground without a hill or weird nook in sight. In the back there seemed to be equipment for a full time groundskeeper and the lawn was immaculately mowed. Everything was in it’s place. It was downright orderly. Of course, to a chaotic individual such as myself this made it uncomfortably creepy.

Most of the stones seemed to date around the late 1800s and were marble. Nothing particularly outstanding until I spotted the only tree in the cemetery itself. It had red on it which attracted me to it. Was it flowers? No, this tree actually turned out to be an apple tree with heritage apples the size of cherries. I ate one to prove this theory to myself and it was crazy sour but definitely an apple!

I milled about for a while and tried to ask Find a Grave if there was anyone of note buried here but my reception wasn’t working. I’d only find out later that Rod Price the founding member and guitarist for Foghat was buried here having died unexpectedly in 2009 after a fall down the stairs. I didn’t even know he lived in the area… as such I had to borrow this image (I’ll try to take my own later.) It is a pretty monument!

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Purgatory Falls – Lyndeborough NH

I am a relentless insomniac so when I woke up at 5 in the morning for no reason whatsoever I decided to make the best of it and see if I could find a trail. The early morning was eerie as there was almost no traffic and miles of dragon’s breath both hugging the top of Mount Monadnock and tickling the surface of every lake and pond I passed. It would be a PERFECT time to go do a pond hike! And maybe find some more little free libraries to gift a signed book. It sounded good… I had even found a trail online before I left the house. The Heron Pond Trail. This trip was organized. Too organized.

As it turns out there wasn’t a damn thing on Heron Pond Road outside of an elementary school nestled in the woods and a lot of bizarre “reptile crossing” signs. This was doubly frustrating since I passed no less than five trail heads on the way there. Five trail heads I no longer remembered where they were. And every time I thought I might be close to one of them a car would come out of nowhere and lodge itself six inches from my bumper. People had NO patience for a doddering Prius today. None at all. I even got honked at for… get this… switching my blinker on and turning. I know, the audacity! I was only turning to get that damn pickup truck off my ass. It’s always pickup trucks.

Anyway, as I was pissing off every driver on the road by merely existing, I stumbled onto Purgatory Falls! It had clear sign, some available parking, and it was on my bucket list from a few years ago after I had checked out the other side at Lower Purgatory Falls. Serendipity strikes again! This made up for the three cemeteries I passed without checking out. That was painful.

The parking lot was oddly shaped and had enough room on this day for 5 cars. More could have probably fit if the original pickup truck didn’t park like a total asscracker. And this must have been a popular place because up and down the road outside the parking lot there was a lot of no parking signs. I toddled out, took a photo of their sign and headed in. Also if you see the border collie listed on the missing poster please call those poor people. They PLASTERED the entire area with these notices. Clearly this is a much loved and very missing dog.

Speaking of dogs… As I headed up the trail an old couple were coming out with their bear of a dog that they were keeping on a super short leash which I took to mean I should keep a good distance. I tried. But there isn’t much path. Luckily, he was only holding the dog back because he was wet and not because he wanted to potentially eat me. After stating as much I laughed, approached, and gave him a good scratch. I think it was a Burmese Mountain Dog. Huge, fluffy, probably very huggable when not wet.

Anyway…. that distraction aside I kept walking. Just like in Lower Purgatory Falls this path was… confusing. It was well maintained and cleared but not marked and seemed to have a complete rat’s nest of little tributary trails jutting off it. All seemed to lead to the same place, so I tried not to think too much about it. I can say I was absolutely delighted to find the same graffiti here that there was at Lower Purgatory – that of a spray-painted rock with cat ears reading PURRgatory. I mean if you’re going to paint graffiti you should always make sure it’s 1) adorable and 2) punderful.

I wasn’t out there terribly long when I came to a great chasm where I am guessing the falls usually are – the only thing is we’re currently suffering a drought and the water was the lowest I’ve ever seen, only a tiny trickle of a gully below. Even so I had walked far enough into the woods not to hear traffic anymore and it was still beautiful. I walked on until I found a little branched off mini trail along the water’s edge. There I found a huge gear of some sort clearly from another era just chilling in what should have been the river. Because it was so dry I was able to climb over the river to see it as well as the stone ruins that surrounded it. Twitter tells me it was part of a water turbine and probably produced power at some point. This makes sense for the area – it may have even been part of a mill. Who knows. I sat there on a fallen tree playing with this artifact and enjoying the woods for quite some time. It felt nourishing but I had other things to do so I continued on. I walked until I could smell the distinct odor of cow poo and see an electric fence. This is where the trail ended for me. I *think* the trail was supposed to hook up with the trail through Lower Purgatory but if this is the case I got off the beaten path somehow. Oh well, it was still a decent enough distraction and I left feeling content. By the time I left at 9:30 or so in the morning the parking lot was so full I was barely able to get out – in fact I had to back out into the road blind. Always love doing that. In a Prius. On a busy 50MPH road. Keeps the blood going that’s for sure!

Anyway, it was a nice little walk. It was easy, short, had some great views, and is apparently very amicable to dogs. Although I imagine it’s probably much prettier when there are actual falls here… I don’t know, maybe save that for another day!

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The PAST Antiques – Oakdale CT

This antique store was the reason we ended up going to The Dinosaur Place – because if we didn’t like the dinosaurs there was always an antique store to pick up the flak. We did very much enjoy both but ooph! This antique store would have been worth it just as a singular destination.

When we walked in it was…. swank. A large building with everything neatly arranged and tasteful music playing softly in the background. You know the sort of place you might wonder if you won’t be kicked out for loitering like that last antique store I ventured into on my own… but the old man at the counter was very sweet and told us all about the basement we should also check out. First though we’d poke at some terribly dramatic Gothic looking furniture and play with some terrifying dolls (an antique store without properly haunted dolls is a failure in my eyes.) And then we stumbled into THE FROG ROOM. A whole room dedicated to frogs! And it just made me so happy. What’s not to love about a swarm of adorable frogs?? Actually, it reminded me of my grandmother. She had hundreds of them in her house… I’d spend hours as a child counting them. Frog bric-o-bracs, frog salt and pepper shakers, frog wall art, frog lawn ornaments… frogs, frogs, frogs. Can’t beat it!

But after this we decided to go check out that basement. And WOW. Yes, it was much larger and seemed to be miles of random antiques. This was more what we were used to. Had a COMPLETELY different feel than upstairs. We poked around every corner – through trees of weird hats, many jars of marbles, and then at the very end we found the trifecta that hit all three categories of shit I like to find. It was a creepy doll, a clown, and racist as fuck. A minstrel doll. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS IN THEIR HOME?!

We had to have spend a good hour or two down there. The perfect way to round off the day.

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Nature’s Art Village – Oakdale CT

After melting in the intense heat in The Dinosaur Place we dragged our sorry asses across the parking lot to check out the little shops. And let me tell you – that must be where a lot of the adults go because it was still dinosaur themed but it was air conditioned and FULL of cool stuff. Obviously, there was a rock and crystal shop that was full to the brim with fossils and all manner of shiny things. They even had these gorgeous bonsai trees whose leaves were actually artfully arranged geodes. And for those of us with insanely deep pockets and a good deal of eccentricity you could buy entire dinosaur skeletons here. The triceratops was a cool $99,900. Little out of my price range… but there was also smaller fossils too, the usual assortment of fish and shells and whatnot. This included the first specimens of Madagascan trilobites I have seen in person which made me geek out for just a bit.

Almost as fun was the bead shop which… seems like a dangerous place to be if you make jewelry…luckily this is one of probably three craft related hobbies I have yet to pick up. Otherwise, I could have walked out of there with $800 of beads EASY. Seriously. There was every kind of bead you could ever want. Single beads, bulk beads, glass beads, ceramic beads, beads of every color shape and size. It was a bit dazzling.

And of course, there was a shop full of fairy themes bric-a-bracs because that just seems to fit. But the best part of all of them? THE AIR CONDITIONING. Oh my God, the sweet bliss of walking into a fridge after being steam baked by the rising humidity in the parking lot!

From here we’d move on to the antique shop…

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The Dinosaur Place – Oakdale CT

Soooo… we may have been having a bit of a hard time lately coming up with new places to go. I mean we haven’t completely run out of the usual options of cemeteries, hiking paths, and antique stores, but sometimes it’s nice to do something a little different. This time I let my travel companion conspire with Google for something on the unusual side. And that’s how we ended up at the world’s most apathetically named theme park – The Dinosaur Place.

Neither one of us knew what to expect but there were rumors it was near an antique store so if we didn’t like it there was always a second option. Well! Things got very weird right from the start when we pulled into the parking lot and were greeted by a life size T-rex sporting sunglasses and a bottle of coke. Behind it there was a gift shop and what looked like maybe a miniature golf course. We went into the gift shop to buy tickets. Neither one of us were expecting it to cost $29.99 a head for adults. Thank God we weren’t teenagers as they seemed to have an additional tax at $33.99. We’d find out why in a few minutes. We forked over the dough and hoped for the best.

I feel it’s pertinent to note that it was no less than 86°F that day (that’s 30°c for the rest of the world) and I had remarked that “Maybe we should find something inside to do today…” I was assured it’d be fine. There was a “splash zone.” Whatever that meant.

So we walked in and right away there was a bathroom stationed there with a dinosaur in a dress for the ladies and I was a little too entertained by this I admit but that’s perfectly OK. Beyond that there seemed to be a very run of the mill playground for small children, though one of the things to climb on looked like a dinosaur skull and beyond that there were velociraptors on the roof of a nearby building. Cute. This was also where the “splash zone” was and in it there were gaggles of wee children playing in what looked to me like glorified sprinklers with some slidey bits. I wasn’t surprised by this turn of events. I mean when you build something in a dinosaur theme you probably have a very key target audience – wee children under the age of 8 or so. No matter. I could be an 8-year-old at heart, though I did wonder at first if this was worth two old farts like ourselves to pay $30 a piece for. And I could tell you with certainty it wasn’t worth paying an extra fee for a teenager to loiter here with the babies. They’d be bored out of their minds.

We looked at the little You Are Here map and started to amble around the perimeter. There were far less people beyond the splash zone. In fact there was almost no one at all. We were alone for most of our trek. That’s when we started finding random life size dinosaurs nestled in the woods just off the path and suddenly the whimsy overtook the both of us and it became worth both the money and the truly oppressive heat and humidity which was absolutely befitting the Jurassic era.

I took lots of photos but sadly had the wrong camera. I have one that’s great for indoor photos and one that’s great for outdoor photos. I have no idea why they function this way but having my indoor camera on such a bright day seemed to make most of my photos seem washed out. Not the mention it kept focusing on random branches instead of the dinosaurs. UGH. But even so I was absolutely delighted to see the dinosaurs scattered throughout the park like this. There were even a few you could approach and I can only imagine they would have made for some truly delightful family vacation type snaps if we had any kids in tow. I have to admit my heart may have melted a little bit when one of these ended up being my childhood favorite – the parasaurolophus (otherwise known as the dinosaur with a trumpet on its head) – lying on the ground with a nest of eggs. I squeed a little and pet her on the head for good luck before returning to our little jaunt around the park.

The park is not large and most of the walking paths are surrounded by fantastic shady trees and a body of water of some sort but even so the heat was killing me. I drank about a gallon of water and it still wasn’t enough. I had to sit down and rest about 2/3rds of the way through before I melted into the pavement. Even my companion who works forging iron in the bowels of Hell (OK not really but still) was pouring sweat, absolutely drenched, big droplets of perspiration dripping off his nose. I must have looked even worse.

I don’t think we were there long but it was enough. I thoroughly enjoyed it and was particularly amused in one of the two caves when an animatronic dinosaur spit and nearly soaked my companion who darted out of the way just in time. “Any kids who have seen Jurassic Park are going to be scarred for life getting spit on by that thing!” AND IT’LL BE WORTH IT.

When we got back to the gift shop we loitered there like delinquents because they had their AC cranked and I was overheating badly. When we got back outside it was still gross out there. We noticed an ice cream parlour and drunk from heat exhaustion forked over $5 for a scoop. I guess this is normal for amusement parks. I’d only been to one in my life when I was five and my well-meaning father brought me to Whalom. I remember one ride that entire day – the little helicopters. My brother was much older but didn’t fair any better as he was prone to motion sickness. This would be the last outing I remember taking with both my father and brother. Ah, memories. Anyway. I was too hot to really eat the ice cream. By now my body was rejecting water but I still managed to VERY SLOWLY eat it without throwing it back up. As I finished the last bite there was a sudden downfall of rain and I just opened my arms and almost yelled, “BRING IT ON!”

My companion was less happy about this as the rain didn’t cool anything down. In fact the second it hit the pavement it turned into steam rising from the ground. SIGH. From here we would move on to Nature’s Art Village which are the shops next to The Dinosaur Place.

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Little Free Library – Rindge NH

As of late I have been sitting here surrounded by boxes of books – books I had written, published, and bought in the hopes of selling. Here’s the thing though – for as good as I am at writing books I have no marketing skills AT ALL. I could sit here and wallow in my own ineptitude ooooor I could get up, dust myself off, and try something new. So that’s what I am doing.

I have registered a number of all three of my books with Book Crossing which is a free book tracking website where you can register a book, leave it somewhere, and hope that someone picks it up, reads it, and lets you know where it ended up before leaving it somewhere else for someone else. It’s like those old Follow the Dollar Bill games. And where am I going to leave my books? Why not at little free libraries all across New England? Hit two birds with one stone – get my books out there and have something to blog about!

So I started in my hometown of Rindge with my latest book and only work of fiction to date Achilles in Heels. I signed this copy as well as designing the label in it asking for it to be passed around. And that’s when I discovered that this tiny little town has it’s own little free library on LaChance Drive in Rindge. So that’s where I left it cuddled up to a ton of dime store romances. And that’s where my tour of little free libraries is going to start! In upcoming blog entries I will try to do whole towns/cities that have more than one to choose from!

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The Holy Trinity Cemetery – West Harwich MA

We drove by this cemetery on the way home from the Cape Cod Lavender Farm and decided why not make a detour to check it out. This would be only our second Catholic specific cemetery and as such it certainly had a flair for the dramatic. In the center of it there was an enormous Jesus on a cross with an inscription saying when the cemetery was founded and when this statue was put in place.

It was a decently sized cemetery with a good number of stones dating from the 1800’s to the present. For some reason the lichens seemed to really appreciate the setting here and some of the stones were absolutely COVERED in them making them impossible to read. There were crosses everywhere of course with a light smattering of angels. My favorite stone however was one that inexplicably just had 3 ducks waddling across it. Why? I have no idea but it contrasted beautifully with the grimness of all the crucifixes.

We did not find any graves of historical or famous figures and I am unaware of any ghost stories from these parts so all and all it was a pretty plain little resting place. Still, it was nice to stretch our legs a bit before going home.

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Cape Cod Lavender Farm – Harwich MA

By now we were running out of ideas of places to go and were hankering for something a little different. That’s the thing about travelling, at first you’re happy with anything and everything but eventually you get jaded and the desire for novelty sets in hard. This time around we decided to check out a lavender farm. Why? Mostly because we’d never been. So, we packed up the cat in her protective bag so we could stroll through this beautiful setting with her.

It was a gorgeous (if not oppressively hot and humid) day and finding the farm was somewhat tricky. We went from full civilization, to a very house filled neighborhood, to a couple one lane dirt roads (driveways?) with arrows pointing the way. Before we knew it we were in the woods. It was crazy. We drove up and there was an adorable little gift store, signs to be careful of dogs while parking, and there was a little path to the lavender field. We took that first and before we knew it we were standing in front of the most whimsical and charming little fairy castle which looked over the whole field. We’d missed it blooming this year but it still smelled very much of lavender. Normally lavender gives me migraines but on this particular day I had come prepared as I already had a migraine before arriving! You might think this would have made for a miserable experience, but I’ve had so many of these damn things in the past few years I was determined not to waste another day sitting on my ass waiting for it to pass and this delightful fairy friendly farm was soooo wonderful. It was worth the drive where I came *this* close to pulling over and puking in the breakdown lane three times. SIGH. (I have learned my lesson – I did push myself too far this time.)

Better still there was a path you could walk down that led us deeper into the woods which just got more whimsical looking the more we walked with trees covered in lichen and arching across the path. I was so incredibly at peace here. And the cat was too. She was sprawled out in her bag purring up a storm and allowing herself to be carried place to place like a tiny furry queen. There were even birds to watch as mourning doves were everywhere making their haunting little calls. My companion thought they were owls at first (because of the noises they were making.)

We stopped in at the gift shop before we left. There was lavender everything there – from the expected soaps to lavender maple syrup?? Odd but interesting! A teenage boy ran the counter and seemed very happy to be there. I bought a book of other plant nurseries and gardens throughout New England figuring it’d give us something else to check out.

This was a very small place that didn’t take us long at all to explore but if you happen to be in the area I definitely recommend checking it out. It’s a slice of a fairy tale. Absolutely stunning.

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Winding River Antiques – Wilton NH

It’d been a long day doing random things around Wilton. First it was failing to hike a trail that was blocked off, then it was visiting a nearby cemetery, then it was getting lost trying to find tiny free libraries and having a lively discussion with a vibrant hippie woman and now… now I was in the center of the town at their absolutely tiny but truly adorable park after having deposited a book in their little free library.

Since I was here anyway I might as well look around. There seemed to be two antique stores, a chocolatier, and a cupcake shop. Today was not really the day for sweets but why not look at the antique stores? My mother peered into the Winding River Antiques window which looked super dark.

“I don’t know if they’re open.”

Someone inside waved her in. See, if you’re going to be all creepy about it you’re going to gain someone’s attention. So we walked in. It was a small antique shop, the sort of thing you’d expect on a main street of a small town. Everything was well organized and displayed. But the two shop keeps… oooh boooy. They were throwing off some fiercely negative vibes. I think they had regretted letting us in. My mother with her doddering social inequities and myself with blazing orange hair drenched in sweat from the heat and looking like death had rolled over. The orange hair throws people. In small towns like this it causes a lot of people, and let’s be honest a lot of old men people, to instantaneously distrust and hate me. It’s fine. I find this sort of hilarious because I am the least likely person to cause an actual fuss.

Still they both watched us until my skin started burning from the searing eye contact. I took a few photos and they acted like I was trying to case the place. When my mother took a few photos herself that was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back because one growled at her to stop taking photos. Like OK dude, was just trying to give you some exposure but if you don’t want that it’s fine by me. I’ll be just as happy to write up how ungrateful you are for customers…

And so we shuffled out without buying (or stealing!) anything. (Not to be bitchy but there wasn’t anything there worth stealing in the first place. It was all very common fare.) My mother was so put off by this experience that we didn’t go into the other antique store which I presume was probably a lot friendlier.

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Riverview Mill Artist Studios – Wilton NH

So I was in Wilton today to revisit the Vale Cemetery but also to check out their many little free libraries that live there. I had decided these would be great receptacles to get my name out there if I donated my own books to them. It was one of those days though – one little library was defunct and the second one I couldn’t find. And somehow as I got lost I ended up behind an old wool mill. There were signs everywhere for “artists” and I… wanted to fall down this rabbit hole to see what it was.

As it turns out there’s a little community of artists and practitioners over there. There’s artist studios, massage parlours, tarot readings. Somehow, I had found the hippies in this town. I knew it. I knew they had to be somewhere providing a delightful counter to the tightwads who made the cemetery so… rule bound and uniform. And were they ever!

I walked in and immediately noticed a few cases full of miniatures. I don’t know what it is about miniatures but the well-done ones can really suck you in. And these were definitely that quality. There was also a few racks of gorgeous hand sewn hippie dresses, a display of glittery resin planchettes and mini spirit boards, and a table full of postcards and of course a rock shop vendor that was the only one I could see that was peopled. The woman at the counter was hilarious. She told us this was her last day until September as she was taking her goods on the road before “spooky season” hit. She lamented she was trying her damdest not to have a “real job” and doing every gig she could find vending but that she had learned her lesson that “some gigs are just not for me.” She described for twenty minutes one such event which was laden with country music that “compared women to trucks.” She just had stories to tell about drunk frat boys, terribly formulaic country music, and Christian fundamentalists who probably thought she was peddling Satan’s goods. And she did have some really nice new agey rocks. Pendants, spheres, polished rocks, natural rocks… and one that looked like a bowl of marbles. OBVIOUSLY I had to come home with the orange marble. And an orange fidget rock. But I left the orange pendent and a much bigger orange rock behind for next time. Most people are attracted to shiny things. I am attracted to orange things. Every. Damn. Time.

While talking to this delightful woman she told us there was actually a lot more here. There were three floors to check out as well as more studios on this floor. She pointed at the miniatures and joked, “I HAVE to show everyone the cat poop. It’s super realistic, absolutely perfect tiny little spiral of cat poop in a perfect little cat box. She does amazing work. Intricate tiny lace with such details! But I can’t get over the cat poop.”

ANYWAY. I did move on and met another lovely artist in a studio full of paintings and little scrap book type things. She’d just moved here from the south and was starting to offer classes on how to make different things. She shared the space with someone else who had some terrific Americana tattoo flash on the wall which I was again very attracted to. It was interesting.

The only other studio open was a jewelry maker at the end who’d been there the longest but I didn’t go in. It just seemed socially odd to wander in (there was a doorbell.) The three floors above… no one was in today. So I got some great exercise and took a photo of their gorgeously utilitarian spiral staircase but that was it for that…

This was a fun distraction. I really enjoyed it but I think you have pretty offbeat to find this sort of adventure worth finding this place. It’s… unique. Perfect for the eccentric.

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