Author: Theophanes Avery

Theophanes Avery is a whimsical travel blogger that is hopelessly in love with New England and all it's weird places, people, and things. Besides running way too many blogs they are the author of three books, at least one of them good, and they also enjoy raising aquarium fish in Walsted tanks, sculpting, Sharpie doodling, knitting, tattooing leather, homesteading, and whatever other hobby tickles their raging ADD. Less fortunately they are a hopelessly impoverished spoonie yelling to the world, "WE NEED MORE COMMUNITY!" but alas no one's listening. Make sure to find them on the FaceBook. They love new oddball friends. Fly the freak flag high my darlings!

Moogy’s – Brighton Massachusetts

Sadly, I have fallen WAY behind on writing these entries. This was 15 of 17 I had let pile up and as such I don’t remember why I was here. All I remember is it was a hot day and we’d already done our adventuring and were looking for good grub before driving home. So, I did the usual dance of trying to find parallel parking (BOO!) and then walking half a block to see what we had chosen.

This place… it was a trip. You would not be wrong in thinking it was closed based on the fact there was no light in this place, not via windows or electricity. Did we just walk into a swinger’s club? I couldn’t be certain. The only lights were fairy lights and I…. am not a bat. So, even though the menu was on the wall in huge font I was still having a hard time reading it! Though I admit I was deeply amused that one of the options was a grilled Fluffernutter. How very New England! I was overheating at the time so I knew my stomach was going to reject basically anything I tried putting in it. A Fluffernutter would have ended up painting the walls if I tried it. None the less I got The Tomboy which was loaded grilled cheese with heaps of fried chicken thrown in. Funny, this was the first autistically coded menu I’d come across but I’d bet money based on the fact this choice was named after gender variance and contained a pile of common “safe” foods that whoever it was named after was most likely autistic. We have an obscene amount of gender variance and love of over processed food in the community. It made it an easy decision. We also ordered fries as potatoes are my “safe” food (something I won’t hurl up even when my stomach’s being an ass, like today.)

We wandered into the back room and sat down. It had this delightful 20-watt chandelier which I wanted to bring home with me. And the music? It was wild. Literally anything that had been popular in the last hundred years would play at random. Ella Fitzgerald followed by some random 90’s garage band? Check. Also some Bob Dylan which luckily didn’t trigger me like the last time I’d heard a Bob Dylan song by surprise. Nothing quite like sobbing alone at a Panera! (To be fair it was a BAD point in my life and I think it was triggering because it reminded me of all the parts of myself I’d lost while in long term relationship with a narcissist including listening to 60’s folk all the time like I did in my teens. It’s a story as old as time and I wish so many women [and others] didn’t have to go through it.) This time I found myself singing along to Tangled Up in Blue and thinking to myself, “Jesus Christ, that’s insane, it makes me happy I’m not still 20.” Funny how things hit differently when you age..

This is when the food came out and I ate it quietly in the dark. Actually, the dark was very calming after having spent a few hours being active in the outside world. My autistic ass thrives in the dark, even if my eyes no longer adjust to it. And the grub was good! Perfect stoner food if that’s your thing, the sort of faire that goes straight from your mouth to your arteries. Good times.

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The Barker Character, Comic, and Cartoon Museum, Cheshire Connecticut

My travel companion’s need for novelty is what ended up making him pick something unusual for this particular destination. I’d seen it on lists of places to go before but I was a little unsure what it actually was and if it was worth the long drive to Connecticut. It was however only $5 per adult ticket so why not go and see?

This place was something else. Driving there was interesting. It was easy enough to find but the sign aside the road looked small and very aged and the driveway really looked like it was bringing me to a household. There were two small parking lots each big enough for four or five cars. To my surprise this was two buildings, not one, and the property around the building seemed to have cut outs and other fun things to take photos with.

We ended up walking into the gift shop which is where the tickets are purchased. Another family was getting attended to so the woman working the counter told us to go have fun checking out the gift shop and the adjoined gallery and she’d take our money when we were finished. The gift shop was darling. Dr Suess taxidermy lined the walls, to the other side there was a lot of little Disney things and other very recognizable cartoon merch. The gallery was also a lot of fun and a lot larger than it looked at first. It was several rooms and hallways filled with stills, paintings, and prints of every iconic cartoon figure you could think of from Betty Boop to Jack Skeleton. As well as some I didn’t recognize. It was a fun little jaunt down memory lane. I especially appreciated the one of a kind pieces of art, some of which were more 3D than you’d expect of a cartoon with layers of paint or paper to make them more interesting. All of it was for sale – for some hefty serious collector prices.

When we finished we circled back around, got our tickets, and then headed outside to the other building which was the actual museum and oh my god, this place was OVERWELMING! There were display cases against every wall and creating numerous isles. They went from the floor to over our heads and even the ceiling had every inch of it decorated with hanging cartoon characters.

I had come here expecting Disney and WB characters but this place had everything. And it was all organized into sections. There’d be a case of Popeyes, some Wizard of Oz stuff, a gaggle of creepy puppets, and a pile of my childhood phobia: Teletubbies. Those were out, you could totally boop them. As a child I only saw still photos of Teletubbies in the news. I had no idea until recently they’re HUGE and talk like possessed baby dolls. I was re-traumatized.

ANYWAY, as we looked around we found all sorts of delightful things – Mork and Mindy, Animaniacs, Felix the Cat, Betty Boop’s entire disturbing squad (including that goddamn clown) and another childhood favorite the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Every INCH of this place had something. There were just layers and layers. And no cartoon was forgotten, they even had cartoons that existed only as brand mascots – Betsy the Cow, the scrubbing bubbles brush, Big Boy, Cracker Jack, and the M & M’s. And as is usual for this blog there was also an alarming amount of ventriloquist dummies. Each creepier than the last.

Sometimes I dream of owning a house, a house with a guest room, a house with a guest room full to the brim with haunted dolls. It’d be exposure therapy for me as I find them terrifying and would also be hilarious to use as a bet. You want to come visit ME? THEN YOU SLEEP WITH THE DOLLS. If you make it the night I’ll give you a prize, if you end up on the couch I will tease you until your last dying day.

This museum looks like it probably started in a similar fashion to the Scrubs-like fantasy I wrote out above. Clearly this was someone’s collections which got way out of hand and thank goodness it did because it was an absolute joy to visit. More so I think I could probably go there again, even several more times, and see something different each time. This was totally worth the drive for any children or children at heart.

Oh, and the distressing cow I took a photo of for the header of this entry? That’s Betsy. If I am to believe her plaque she was once more popular than Mickey Mouse. Her job was to sell dairy which apparently, she did very well! And now… she’s just a statue in a creepy photo that could be the cover of a horror movie. Bless.

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Pig Rig Barbeque, Wallingford Connecticut

You know what’s a great way to end a day after adventuring? Some good grub! That’s how we ended up at the Pig Rig devouring a tender pile of pulled pork, mac and cheese, potato salad, and corn bread.

It was a weird time to be eating so there weren’t any other patrons there but this place looked popular. All the walls were covered with rock posters. They had posters from all the five origional British Invasion bands except the Kinks. Why no Kinks?? They’re awesome!

There was also a display case full of random retro rock memorabilia. Kinda fun. So was their assortment of sauces for the pulled pork. Dear God they were delicious. This place knew what people want. One food coma later and we were on our way.

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Holyhood Cemetery, Brookline MA

It was another gorgeous spring day so we decided to spend it outside. In a cemetery. Because that’s what normal people do. I left the choice of which cemetery to my travel companion who chose the Holyhood Cemetery because it was said to be haunted. Aren’t all cemeteries haunted? Probably, but this one seems to be mostly ghost children running between the stones and in the 1920’s people claimed to hear Gaelic lullabies in the wind.

But the cemetery’s real claim to fame was the fact it was the burial grounds that contained the Kennedys. Specifically, the mom and pop of the never forgotten former president John F Kennedy. And his sister… the one who at 23 had too salacious a lifestyle for her parents to handle so they had her lobotomized, then institutionalized, and no one ever spoke about her again. Shame, I think she seemed like the sort of live wire I would have loved to have read about if she weren’t turned into a human vegetable for the convenience of her rich family. I pondered for a moment what they must think of their legacy now being carried by RFK Jr, their nephew, who is currently succeeding at killing dozens of children through his campaign against measles vaccinations. He also thinks germs aren’t’ real and was recently stopped from starting a non-voluntary register for autistic people for… reasons. Oh Rosemary, you were the only sane one in this whole family weren’t you? I am so sorry you were robbed of becoming way better than any of your male family members. Also, at the risk of making a political statement on a blog which is not… Fuck you RFK Jr, go back to the rock you crawled under and die. We do not need or want you.

BUT BACK TO THE CEMETERY! It was well spaced out and pretty large making for a nice little amble. The majority of the stones were very typical but there was enough more individualistic ones to make it worthwhile. My favorite ended up being a woman angel made in bronze who was just… dramatic.

We spent maybe an hour or so walking around here. I can’t say I saw any ghost children or heard any Gaelic lullabies but it was still enjoyable. Perhaps worth it if you’re in the area.

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Natural History Museum, Providence Rhode Island

And I’m back with another great CHEAP museum! Only $2 for admission! Unless you wanted to splurge and buy a planetarium ticket of course. We would have but it’s only open certain days and times which didn’t happen to be when we showed up.

Today’s destination had been chosen not just because it was free but because it was the home of a very unfortunate lioness and her cubs which… I’m honestly not certain they weren’t horrifically deformed prairie dogs. Such is the guesswork that goes into bad taxidermy.

But before we even got to the museum we first had to find it near the Roger William’s Zoo which… consider this the afterlife for random zoo animals and wildlife. The parking lot wasn’t very big and only had one tiny entrance that if you missed it you’d literally have to loop around the entire goddamn block to get back to it. Ask me how I figured that out!

It was surprisingly bustling. We were met by a clerk who told us if we wanted there were several treasure hunts we could enjoy, which were usually for kids but came in three levels of challenge. We’re big kids at heart so we each took one sheet with our questions, a clip board, and a tiny pencil. I haven’t written in pencil in decades. And between the fact it was a pencil and barely big enough to hold my hand writing came off as quite serial killer-esque. No matter I had the hardest treasure hunt and I was going to complete it!

The treasure hunt paper told us which room worth of displays each question’s answer could be found it so it was mostly easy peasy pudding and pie.

First off we had the dinosaurs because… well they deserve to always be the first thing you see as they’re awesome. There was the obligatory T-rex skull (complete with janky teeth!) Some dinosaur egg shells and for reasons I’ll never understand a marble statue of a beautiful woman and her baby.

The wildlife room was next and filled to the brim with taxidermy coming from all skill levels! The perfect ones were lovely but I was most endeared to the ones who looked like they were melting and malformed including one morbidly obese squirrel I’m positive got that way eating cosmic brownies. He just had that look. This room was just local wildlife but other parts of the museum had everything from a polar bear, to a koala that looked like a crumpled bit of fuzzy newspaper, to the aforementioned lioness who was the coup d’etat of bad taxidermy, Jesus Christ was that something.

But my favorite bit of taxidermy was the kakapo, otherwise known as the world’s chonkiest parrot. So fat it can’t even fly. I laughed and then sadly sighed because this parrot was the same kind that was featured on that Stephan Fry nature documentary that went from a sweet segment about a nearly extinct parrot to some poor bastard getting savagely humped for 15 minutes while Fry and crew just laughed. It’s here if you need a chuckle today. My sigh was because I’d recently had an out with the friend who would have known why this particular specimen was so funny.

But anyway, parrots with no grasp of consent aside, this museum also had a section for all things outer space, a room of curious bark textiles, more taxidermy, and a geology room with a map of Rhode Island and what it’d look like if all the ice caps melted. RIP Providence, Newport, and most of the rest of the state. May you sleep sound with the fishies. Amen.

This was a happy fun little museum if you happen to be in the area or are coming back from the zoo and are wondering what those animals look like stuffed.

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Mead Art Museum – Amherst Massachusetts

After enjoying the Beneski’s Natural History Museum it was only a short walk across campus to the Mead Art Museum which was also free.

I noticed the tower out front before we got there and realized it was part of the art museum and I enjoyed taking photos of different angles.

Inside the art museum there was one woman at the check-in and a few other visitors wandering around. The art museum was pretty small and had a very disjointed collection that seemed to be a completely random sampling of different unrelated topics from ancient Etruscan engravings, to recreations of destroyed funeral art, to a room decorated more like a medieval castle than a college, to a visiting black art exhibit, to a painting of a woman being harassed by a cherub weilding a knitting needle. The latter was my favorite because of the expression on the woman’s face that seemed to say, “It’s back again isn’t it?! I can feel it’s sticky hands over my shoulder!”

My other favorite part was the visiting black art exhibit which unlike the rest had a unifying theme making it seem more approachable and less neurotic and all over the place. We had seen everything in maybe 20 minutes. And that included a lot of dawdling.

I’ve certainly been to more impressive art museums but it was free and near the Natural History Museum so why not visit anyway?

From here we attempted to go to the Emily Dickinson Museum also on campus but that museum charges entry and apparently has the sketchy hours of a salt water fish store. As such we found out it was closed when we drove up.

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Beneski Natural History Museum – Amherst Massachussetts

You know with the economy crashing as badly as it has been I have a feeling more of y’all will be joining me in finding the best FREE entertainment New England has to offer! On this particular day it was the Beneski Natural History Museum attached to the university in Amherst Massachusetts.

This is one of the things I love about New England is their colleges and universities are usually quite proud to share their discoveries and collections with people, even people who do not attend said institutions, which is great because even though I was once academically inclined I now do not have a cent to give towards such lofty endeavors but that doesn’t mean my love for the sciences has waned.

The Natural History Museum is attached to an active science building. There are classes going on in the back but there’s pretty rocks in the hallway just outside said classrooms to enjoy if you’re quiet. I was hoping to eavesdrop on a paleontology lecture as I was surrounded by the aforementioned pretty rocks but instead my eyes glassed over at the sound of someone trying to make unsolvable math problems exciting in two different classrooms. Math. It’s never liked me and I never liked it. But the rocks were cool… there was even a display on rocks and minerals found here in New England and I had NO IDEA were here but now I’ll be looking! And the variety… my god, I’d never heard of most of these little earth treasures.

However I didnt swing by today to tell you about hallways, the main part of the museum was probaly more notable! It had more fossils than anything. Most of the big displays were brought back during one exhibition the college hosted in the 1920’s when all you needed was a $100 car, a pick ax, and a vague destination out west somewhere. The colorful details if this story were everywhere to be read and enjoyed.

But there were also drawers, so many drawers! Each just asking to be opened with all sorts of fun stuff… everything from trilobites to turtle fossils. My favorite displays included an Irish elk, two beautiful archapteryx complete with fossilized feathers, and a sea scorpion which is the state fossil of New York. Also the basement which had dinosaur tracks and dinosaur skin imprints lining all the walls.

And since I seem to be writing this entry backwards I will say the exhibits in the entry were very well displayed and even included a cute little dinosaur I’d never heard of and the school’s mascot: the mighty mastodon. A very excitable student greeted us and told us to ask any questions we had. I didn’t ask anything but I did learn the US used to have tiny camels running around and there’s a rock called wulfinite that’s is a gorgeous orange…

I guess that’s where I’ll leave you until tomorrow when I’ll tell you where we walked from here.

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Second Chance Trading – Warwick Rhode Island

Having just come from “the least suspicious fish store” in New England my companion decided to bring me to the most suspicious record store just to bring a sense of balance to the day.

When I drove up to this place I wasn’t even sure it was a store. Another guy loitered outside with question marks floating over his head. A sign on the door said call to ring the owner and give him a couple minutes to get to the door. I’ve been to places like that before. It’s always sooo awkward… The guy loitering seemed infinitely relieved we’d also shown up to poke at things. Makes it less awkward you see. Comradery!

As we walked in I was met at first with a wall of nostalgic toys and board games. This place was exactly what I expected from the sign outside… clearly someone’s personal collection that got a bit out of hand and now occupied a weird little basement store.

My companion was immediately distracted by a Dungeons and Dragons board game. Had this satanic panic beloved past time not started as a board game? I guess not. The box was inspected with befuddlement as if it was some sort of blasphemy coffin.

As we inched farther into this crammed space we saw oodles of weird vinyls, a pile of random cast iron cookware, a light smattering of minstrel references (which I am deeply hoping was there to make white customers uncomfortable, you know doubling down on the awkward) as well as a series of bizarre knickknacks, a giant bowl and ball made of welded keys, and more weird records. I don’t know if this place takes part in Record Store Day but it should! It’s goddamn perfect for it. It had everything from a limited edition of Wicked to the California Raisins, to Pacman’s completely unwarranted musical debut next to the soundtrack to a B-rated zombie movie no one’s ever heard of. This place was dangerous. I could come home with half this entire collection. Mixed with the peculiar there was also well known albums cheap albeit deeply loved beforehand. I had to stop myself when I spotted Janis Joplin’s Pearl album. Siiiiiiigh, not today, though God forbid I come back on a day I have some spare spending change!

So would I suggest this place? Sure, but I’d deffinately also advise to bring a good gaggle of friends, fellow weirdoes who’d like this sort of thing. If you’re reading this you know the type.

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Something Fishy – Warwick Rhode Island

“This is the least suspicious fish shop you’ve ever brought me to.” My companion noted, rather astutely. Indeed it was in a proper plaza with a real parking lot and didn’t even have the faintest whisper of the serial killer’s basement vibes that these places tend to have. But then again, as the woman at the desk explained, it wasn’t really a store in a classic sense either. It was an event space first and foremost with gorgeous display fish tanks scattered throughout and a back room filled with… well fish stuff. Coral frags, quarantined fish, live rock, all the things a fish tank installation company would need to create another spectacular tank in a client’s home. And that’s really what Something Fishy is.

They must be successful at it too because I’ve seen their trucks driving down the highway numerous times fanning my curiosity. And if their client tanks are half as decent as the ones in their event space they’re probably worth the investment. They were stunning. Sadly the sun was up at just the wrong time and there was a glare that made taking photos really difficult. No matter, I allowed myself to delight over their coral shelves and get lost watching the fish who were robust, healthy, and showing no signs of distress. These were some swank fishies!

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The Veiled Crow – Warwick Rhode Island

Once again I’ve fallen behind writing up my adventures! But alas tonight I shall regale you with witchy tales from last week’s hapless wanderin’.

The day had started as it usually does, fussing over where we could possibly go. Since I bid farewell to FaceBook I haven’t had any algorithms helping me find new hidden gems and honestly going back to cold calling Google has been a bit rough. But on this day my companion wanted to go to a witchy store so he found one and we went!

The place was small, painstakingly neat and organized, and had a selection of shiny and perhaps magical rocks, some spell bottles, a few pieces of home made jewelry, and a row of adorable tiny spell cauldrons which I was tempted to get and put them in a little nest next to my regular size cauldron to make it look like it had babies. This is why I shouldn’t be allowed a house… it’ll get weird. There will be questions.

No matter this shop was adorable and had a pretty decent spice rack and a few tarot decks as well as the funniest no shoplifting sign id ever seen, home made just like the rest of the things here. In the back there was a lovely gathering space with art for sale on all the walls. Very neat!

I don’t know what events they may host there but I bet they’d be interesting for sure! And the staff seemed very pleasant as well. All and all it was a sweet little independant shop and I’d suggest it to anyone in the area looking to cast a good spell or two.

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