Author: Theophanes Avery

Theophanes Avery is a whimsical travel blogger that is hopelessly in love with New England and all it's weird places, people, and things. Besides running way too many blogs they are the author of three books, at least one of them good, and they also enjoy raising aquarium fish in Walsted tanks, sculpting, Sharpie doodling, knitting, tattooing leather, homesteading, and whatever other hobby tickles their raging ADD. Less fortunately they are a hopelessly impoverished spoonie yelling to the world, "WE NEED MORE COMMUNITY!" but alas no one's listening. Make sure to find them on the FaceBook. They love new oddball friends. Fly the freak flag high my darlings!

Noodles – Northampton Massachusetts

So after our two days trekking through Vermont it was time to go back to Rhode Island but first there was an issue at hand – we needed something in our bellies. My companion was insistent on noodles but as much as I also could go for a steaming bowl of Ramon I knew Vermont was not going to have such faire. Noodle bars haven’t even really made it into rural areas, they’re basically just found in cities and some college towns at this moment in time.

My phone seemed to agree. There were no noodle bars showing up anywhere in Vermont but there was one vaguelly on the route home in Northampton Massachusetts which is both a city and a college town, hosting one of the US’s most esteemed all female universities – Smith’s University. We actually drove by the campus and I was hilariously caught off guard because I honestly had no idea what town it was in.

But anyway, we found a place to eat simply called Noodles. You know with a title that straight to the point you were going to get what’s advertised.

As usual it was a small space clearly run by immigrants gifting their delicious food to this country. It was FULL but they were nice enough to set up another spot to sit next to the bathroom. Interestingly the bathroom door had a note asking customers to use hand sanitizer before going into it.

The menu was fairly simple and allowed for a choice of several types of noodles or a plate of rice with the toppings of your choice. To my joy they had little peppers 🌶 next to the spicy items on the menu which means I didn’t have to ask! Woohoo!

I ordered some sort of seafood special served with udon noodles which I was trying for the first time. My companion picked a less adventurous option but both were delicious! Granted I had no idea udon have the same basic shape and feel as wet earth worms which… is really not my thing. But hey at least now I know! The sea food was nice though. We got to play “what is it?” With one particular item that was sliced up in a pretty grid pattern. I thought it was some sort of vegetable and popped the whole thing in my mouth. Oh no… not a vegetable. Chewy. Mildly fishy. I think it was probably squid. Today was not a great day for texture surprises! But I regained my composure and ate it. I actually do like calamari… just… not so much surprise calamari. All jokes aside it was piping hot and delicious with very large chunks of crab meat and mystery seafood. It was totally worth the five hours it took me to figure out chop sticks which I’m as bad at as parallel parking. Fortunately I’ve found going rogue and stabbing things with the aforementioned sticks usually suffice when fine motor skills are lacking. We both had literally a whole meal worth of noodles to bring home as leftovers. This was definitely worth the detour.

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The Death of Democracy Protest – Brattleborro Vermont

It’s been a crazy messed up year, hasn’t it? I get the feeling anyone with an iota of common sense knows what’s going on right now is not normal and not good. But the mainstream media has been SILENT on this fact actively shutting down any reports that aren’t fawning and positive toward the current leadership. It’s like living in a madhouse. You see reality and yet reality is gaslighting the shit out of you right back. It can be an isolating experience but I don’t think we should let it be.

As we were about to leave Twice Upon a Time Treasures a great fuss and noise kicked up outside. The noise continued to clatter as we made our way out into the streets. It was a protest – a few individuals, probably origional happiest, dressed in mourning attire carrying a cardboard casket labeled “democracy.” It was a small, short, and sweet protest but it kicked up A LOT of car horn honks and for me served to charge my batteries in regards to hope. Who knew a month or so later I’d be able to witness millions coming out to shout the same sentiment. I suppose this is another reason why I love Vermont so much.

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Twice Upon a Time Antiques – Brattleboro Vermont

After the Sparkle Barn we decided to end our trip to Vermont with one more randomly picked antique store which ended up being Twice Upon a Time Antiques in Brattleborro.

Finding it was easy, finding parking during peak traffic wasn’t so much but we managed to find a little paid public parking lot. I guess this neighborhood was somewhat rougher than my companion anticipated for Vermont so I got reminded to lock the car, something I don’t normally bother with because if anyone wants to steal 40 pounds of plastic bags I keep forgetting to return to the grocery store then so be it. They can have them. Besides this we parked next to either an on duty cop or security guard, I mean yeah he was amongst a gaggle of pot smoking 20-somethings paying no heed but this is Vermont. I don’t know about the legalities, all I know is the vibe – hippies live here.

We walked to the antique store probably more disoriented than the aforementioned youths but that is what several days of driving to absolutely random locations will do to you. On this day I was confusing Brattleborro with Bennington. No matter, a b’s a b, and we’re still in Vermont.

The antique store had a lovely vibe. The woman working here today was joyful and sweet, even singing along to the oldies until she heard me also singing along. Don’t be shy! Everyone should sing more often! And it’s fun when it’s two strangers!

This place was three moderate floors. The front had typical decorative antiques and nostalgic throw backs (like a whole wall of brightly colored Felix the Cat clocks, you know the ones with the swinging tails) and the back had a bunch of really delightful retro clothing. I’ve grown too fat for all of it but I did really enjoy pawing over it and my companion was distracted like a crow with something shiny when he found a massive collection of fancy hats next to a mirror. I chose a few for him to try- how about the Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat, no? Surely these series of Easter Sunday bests would do. The woman working here giggled with us as she walked by, “That one suits you!” It’s important to be silly sometimes. I was just happy the mood of the past few days was finally swinging back to playful.

Upstairs there was mostly charismatic furniture and a few odd paintings, all very hippie for the most part. That’s probably the other reason I loved this place, that is absolutely my style (or rather the first of my styles before ADHD took over.) The basement had the usual basement antiques but hidden among them was THE UGLIEST teapot I have EVER seen with an odd number of cups. It was peak 70’s fashion. Orange and brown floral. This is absolutely where my love of the color orange came from – from 70’s decore that was so heinously ugly I decided to love it as an act of rebellion. It was only $25 and I really wanted this horrendous choice of kitchenware but… what was I going to do with it?? If I had a house with a big kitchen and company to feed tea to that’d be one thing but that just isn’t even remotely my reality. So I left the poor thing there… and it’s probably still there… because who else would buy something that profoundly fugly?!

Back upstairs my companion found a book so specific and local it just made me want to eat Vermont whole for being so goddamn adorable. This shop wasn’t huge or crazy but the hats everywhere gave it a certain charm and the staff were exactly what I’d expect in Vermont, just a few chill women enjoying a beautiful day.

Outside on the streets however things were getting weird. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post to see why!

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The Sparkle Barn – Wallingford Vermont

The shittier life gets and the more apocalyptic the surrounding world becomes the more I desperately need whimsy and the Sparkle barn… well, it was exactly what I needed! This place was so nonsically colorful it just fed my soul.

It had been on my bucket list for a few months but to be honest I had no idea what to expect. It was really just the title that was sparking my infinite curiosity.

We visited the Sparkle Barn on our second day in Vermont. It was our first stop and quite a hike into the middle of nowhere but you know, Vermont’s like that. It’s the state that hides a lot of treasures behind a mischievous smile.

Driving up it didn’t look like too much from the outside although there was a broken down bus in the parking lot with a beach ball in its window painted to look like a giant eyeball. Trippy. I like the fact someone else besides me was personifying cars. By now the issues at home that had been dogging my companion the day before had come to a head and he was now having a bit of a meltdown yelling into the phone. I gave him some space by wandering into the yard of this odd place.

There seemed to be a garden of sorts out front but it was unlike any garden I’d ever seen. For one the flowers were all made of brightly colored metal. They reminded me a bit of Alice in Wonderland. Beyond them was a bench in the shape of a unicorn you could sit on and so many other sparkly metal decorations both dancing in the wind and tacked up to the barn’s wall. I was fucking loving this and I hadn’t even stepped inside yet!

Inside was even sparklier. The entryway was surrounded by stained glass windows and the inside was a darling little gift shop with fancy notebooks and diaries and whatnot, a light smattering of nerdcore (like some Edgar Allen Poe dolls!) It was all very cute. Unfortunately, my companion was still coming down from his traumatic phone call and was more than a little distracted. That is until we walked into a room that seemed at complete odds with the over the top color of the rest of this place. It was a room with a wall mural of ravens. There was a big Gothic chair and candles and witchy items for sale in case anyone needed a bundle of sage or a piece of Edgar Allen Poe or Edward Gorey memorabilia. Honestly, I haven’t done enough with those two as both had lived in New England at some point in their lives. And I adore both of their work.

However the biggest treat of this place was upstairs which was so immersing that it shocked both of us into experiencing the moment. The second floor of the barn was an “interactive art display.” And when I tell you EVERY last inch of wall, ceiling, and floor of this place was covered in brightly colored fabrics and enormous fake flowers I mean it. It was literally like walking into Alice in Wonderland. The photos just don’t do it justice. Vines and flowers dangled from above and seemed to sprout from the plush super thick shag carpet as well. Child size chairs and tables in the form of flower petals and toadstools sat in two rows so you could sit or watch the children scamper through this felted garden. This tickled every cell of my inner child. SO MUCH WHIMSY. I was so stupidly happy in this moment. This was a goddamn treasure for all ages. I wished more places like this existed. We both left in a much better mood than we arrived in.

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Goodman’s American Pie – Hangry Chaos in Ludlow Vermont

There’s been an absolute avalanche of chaos and confusion going on in my corner of the world so it took me a whole week to get back to writing part two of my Vermont adventures but here we are!

We had already had an awesome day of a completely overwhelming amount of antiquing. We were lacking in sleep, my companion had come down with something, and on top of that a number of negative complications from personal life were butting in our free wheeling. Also we were both getting hangry- that lovely point when you’re so hungry you’re either yelling or crying for no reason. And this was the point in our travels that everything also started to go wrong.

You see Vermont is very mountainous and rural and cell phone coverage and internet connection here can be… unreliable at best. So there we were, hungry, in the middle of the goddamn mountains in an unfamiliar town having no idea where to find some good grub.

I sucked in a good breath, tested my own patience, and said, “Well… we could just follow the signs to Rutland which I know is a city and would have both coverage and a place to eat…” We agreed this was best and set off back the roads from whence we came, over some bear-sized potholes, until we arrived in Ludlow. You might recognize Ludlow is not Rutland but it’s Ludlow where our internet started working again and it seemed decently populated, enough so to have a place to eat. So instead of continuing another half an hour or so we decided to pull over in a gas station and see what there was for good grub rather than risk losing connection again.

I nearly lost an axel pulling into this gas station over a pothole that may as well been a crater. CLUNK CLUNK!

Cars in this town were 100% unforgiving of anyone who didn’t know where they were going or going slower than 10-15 miles over the speed limit so I also had another car close to rear ending me as I drove over the aforementioned crater. My companion is in charge of picking places to eat so he found a place and we headed off. It wasn’t far away but it was unbeknownst to us in a ski lodge that was filled to capacity and despite being in the middle of the woods was swarmed with people. Restaurant parking was full and I wasn’t about to figure out how much ski lodge parking cost so annoyed we turned around and made our way back to town but before getting there I had some jack ass laying on his horn telling me I needed to turn and turn NOW. Only one problem with that, another giant jack ass pick up had pulled up beside me and was halfway into the intersection completely blocking my view. So I was patiently waiting rather than playing Russian roulette with oncoming traffic in a goddamn Prius. Mind you the Prius gets honked at A LOT, almost always from pick up trucks who think they’re God’s gift to the roads. I’m used to it but on this day that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I just started screaming back at the fucker and his privileged ski bunny ass.

We found a taco place down the road and turned out it but it was bizarrely a pick-up only restaurant. A pizza parlor was next door but there was no parking and by now we were both intensely agitated and yelling.

“That’s not a parking space!”

“I KNOW! I’M TRYING TO TURN AROUND!”

The pizza place was Goodman’s American Pie. We weren’t looking for pizza but we needed something so I parked nearby and we walked back not realizing this place was also an arcade filled with unsupervised children, some of them joyfully screaming. We may have been holding back visible twitches at this point as we ordered and looked to see if there was anywhere to sit.

The only table they had left open was a tiny bar stool table next to the pool table where three children were playing something, though I can’t say it was entirely pool, more a chaotic mix of pool, bowling, fishing, and water polo, you know all the big ones. Though our table was above their little heads they still managed to repeatedly whack it with the ass end of the pool sticks.

My companion took this moment to go to the bathroom, probably in part to supress any growing homicidal thoughts regarding the situation.

Meanwhile another overly privileged asshole could be heard making an order on the phone as the poor kid taking the call asked his boss, “Uhhh… can we make 45 pizzas in an hour?” One employee, 45 pizzas, and this SOB wanted the whole order in an hour.

I wad SHOCKED to see my own pizza served to our table only moments later. That is the quickest service I have EVER gotten in any restaurant. It seemed to defy physics. The brick oven pizza was basically lava but I was halfway done horking down my first slice before my companion returned.

We ate in silence and with the ferver of rabbid raccoons before stopping at the end and stating, “I needed that.” YEAH, we both did. And that’s how we managed to stop yelling at each other for no reason and retired for the day. And for all it’s worth although neither one of us ever want to return to Ludlow that was still a damn good pizza.

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Stone House Antiques – Chester Vermont

After having earlier that day hit Vermont Antique Mall and already being slightly overwelmed at the size and amount of antiques we started to go for broke. It was my companion’s vacation after all. So we looked up another place somewhat in the area and came up with the Stone House Antiques.

This is where things started to go off the rails as the GPS brought us to the middle of nowhere, over every pothole in the state, and we had to pull over and park in a nice church yard to regain our bearings and beg the phone for directions. Luckily at this point the phones still worked and we made our way easily to the appropriate parking lot.

Once again we were gifted a large market to explore with fancy bougie antiques on the first floor and the devil’s nostalgia pit in the basement. Upstairs the only thing that caught my attention was this weird blue glass baby bottle which for some unknown reason had two baby faces on the neck like a reversible doll. From afar it was pretty but up close it had old timey mental institution vibes. Just whhhy?

The basement proved even more fun. My companion was horrified by a cherub box which to be fair Doctor Who does imply cherubs are just baby Weeping Angels… I on the other hand was stopped in my tracks by a bowl that for no reason I could see had a ceramic clown head with a gaping mouth affixed to it. What is that even for?! Also pleeeease stop buying small children clowns. They’re not fun, they’re deeply traumatizing!

By now I’d discovered the “portrait” button on my cell phone’s camera which makes anything in the center of the photo crystal clear and anything beyond it whispy, dream-like, and out of focus. Would you believe this makes all the haunted dolls, possessed knickknacks, and suggestive clowns I find EVEN CREEPIER? I know, it’s a fact that charmed me so much I almost wish people still bought calendars… or conversation pieces to hang on their wall.

We were well satisfied picking through this place but by now we were a bit punch drunk on antiquing so we thought we’d find food… and that’s where everything started to go topside but that is a story for tomorrow.

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Vermont Antique Mall – Quechee Vermont

I realize I have not given much love to Vermont on this blog, and it’s not that I don’t adore Vermont (it’s actually my favorite of the New England states, shhhh) it’s just I rarely have the spoons to drive many hours into the mountains to somewhere that may or may not be open during a random off season day. But this time I had company so it at least was a little more exciting, perhaps too exciting at times as kidnapping my companion for a few days to play in Vermont with me started with a midnight drive around and around Rhode Island searching for ANY exit that wasn’t closed for construction! It was like living through the lyrics if Hotel California – you can check in but you can never leave…

But we did make it north, had a nice little sleep and immediately got up to go give Vermont a friendly poke. We’d learned that generally speaking the antique stores with the blandest names were often the largest and there’s nothing lacking more imagination than the Vermont Antique Mall. It just screams antiques. In Vermont. Come get em’.

Luckily this observation turned out to be true for this store. It was large! And surrounded by other quaint little Vermonty stores in the same Plaza, er village. There was a liquor store for the adults, an ice cream parlor for the kids, and randomly an alpaca fiber store with real live alpacas outside to greet guests. Wasn’t expecting that but it does scream Vermont doesn’t it? Random alpacas and artesional sweaters.

But onto the antique store! It was also joyfully very eccentric in that Vermont sort of way as scattered between many of the antiques there was also a plentiful variety of homemade folk art of all ages, subject matter, and level of creepiness. You know like the sweet idyllic scene painted onto an enormous dried mushroom or conversely the equally enormous decapitated claw of a lobster dressed up to look like a pirate!

Did I forget to mention the taxidermy? There were so many bears! A number of impressive mounts and then a few that made you wonder if it was the taxidermist’s first day or if they should be looking for a day job. The mange-addled bear and the coyote with a pained and somehow constipated grin came to mind.

All this was cuddled up next to artifacts and art from I think every indigenous tribe in the US, not just the local ones, and because we love drama there was also a flint pistol and lots of Indian Wars-looking weaponry not far away.

This place had a little of everything and I do mean everything. We even found a battle nun figurine. I know you have questions but I don’t have any answers.

There was also a jar of dog tags, not military ones, the canine variety… perhaps a morbid memorial to dogs long since passed? We may never know. Or who would buy that?? Not to be outdone in the creepy department there was also a marionette horse that I would have brought home to make a still animation horror movie if only I had a studio or the space. The thing was absolute nightmare fuel, a horror of horrors.

But there was a lot of cutesy stuff too including someone’s entire collection of mice figurines and salt and pepper shakers. This is not to mention what hilariously looked like a progressively leaning take on Dick and Jane but with Jane replaced by Joe. Dick and Joe, all kittied up in fancy garb going for a little dance around the yard. It most certainly was not intended for this but you know… modern eyes see modern things….

All and all this place was a lot of fun. Probably would have been even more fun in summer when the ice cream parlor next door is open…

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Lindy’s Diner – Keene New Hampshire

You know whap happens when my usual travel companion has a week off? He gets kidnapped and dragged into the mountains! But first there was the matter of food. It’s rare I bring him back to mine and I wasn’t about to make the same mistake I made last time – eating breakfast at the place in town I knew was… not great.

We had planned to go to Vermont that morning anyway so why not stop just short of the border in Keene and get something delicious for breakfast? And if that didn’t work just give up and go to the candy or fudge shops just around the corner?

My companion picked a place and we parked and started walking towards it when he spotted Lindy’s, the cute little tin diner. I said I’d never heard anything bad about Lindy’s and it’s been there forever so we immediately made new plans. To Lindy’s!

It was a good choice. We ate there two mornings in a row, getting a good selection off their breakfast menu. The first morning I had strawberry stuffed waffles because I was having a sugar craving. It delivered on this! Waffles are generally supposed to taste like butter – because that’s basically all they are with just enough flour to keep a shape – but these 100% tasted like cake. Yellow cake to be exact. I was BUZZING. The next morning I behaved myself and had eggs and home fries with some rye toast. All simple but delicious traditional diner food. Couldn’t be happier. My companion was also happy with the hollandaise sauce, which to be fair he’s a bit fussy about. Twas sad to hear the other patrons saying this place was in the process of being sold, probably to be carted somewhere else. I adore tin diners but they never seem to last in the area.

This was a good choice to begin both our trips across state lines into Vermont.

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Trailside Treasures Antiques & Otherwise – Columbia Connecticut

After eating some mediocre hotdogs we felt a bit more energized and decided to drive further into Connecticut to check out one more antique store.

This place was cute! It wasn’t enormous like the last two but it seemed a little more warm and inviting. And the prices couldn’t be beat. Partially because there were multiple sales going on. I ended up buying a couple metal car banks for $10 each! (I usually see them for $25 or so but I’d never seen one of a circus carriage or an ooooold Mack truck before. Their uniqueness called out to me.)

This place did indeed have antiques of the usual varieties – you know like orange carnival glass I keep telling myself not to paw at until I have an actual house. Sooo orange and shiny! I know millenials have been blamed for killing everything down to paper napkins but come on… having some pretty China could be fun! Especially since I don’t have any wee goblins to break them.

There was also one creepy doll, not 100% sure why it was chain smoking but to each their own. A hand crafted chess set also sat in a quirky little room that had tuna can wallpaper. I love eccentric wallpaper. Not enough people take advantage of them.

ANYWAY. This place was great if you are looking for craft supplies. They were selling knitting needles for a few bucks a pair, all sizes, and quilting fabric was being sold by the pound. First time I’ve ever seen fabric sold by pound instead of yard but hey I’m all for it!

And the cashier was really sweet too. Almost gave me a 50% off discount instead of the 15% advertised. She figured it out a few seconds before I was going to correct her. My treasures were only ten bucks each to begin with!

I liked this place. It was sweet and clearly struggling. I’m not sure the vulture circling it or the mob of 50 or so crows hanging out in the street next to it were helping much but hey! You never know, in some cultures crows are good omens…

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Jerimiah’s Antiques & Shoppes – Putney Connecticut

After enjoying a few hours in the Antiques Marketplace we wandered back out onto the streets and got lost looking for a hot dog stand but before that we realized there’s another antique store right here! Clearly, we had to check it out. Especially with such a razzle dazzle name. But we were kind of a bit burnt out and hungry but when in Rome, or rather Putney CT….

We were greeted with another large store with rows upon rows of glass cases. Most of their contents were pretty normal – mostly bricabracs and whatnot fir the rich grandmother in all of us but then we came across a box of Jarts! Gawd, did they look terrifying. A convenient way to murder your little brother or sister while making it look like an accident. “We were just playing! I swear!”

Weird and very charismatic chairs were scattered about – furry chairs, chairs with weird art deco designs, chairs that could sit alone in the middle of the room and make anyone visiting blurt out, “BUT WHY?”

And then came the all too familiar trickle of racist bullshit including several different copies of Little Black Sambo proudly on display. This quickly devolved into a case and a half of Nazi bullshit. We sighed. I didn’t bother taking a photo. Honestly this sight just made me tired. More helmets, more random loot, more shiny swastikas. Some things should just stay in the past, dead and forgotten. If only.

We then took a trip into the basement which had some more bargain finds. Things started to get more delightfully bizarre from there starting with more creepy dolls including a decapitated ventriloquist dummy, his head sitting on his lap??? Probably by no small coincidence this is the same area of the shop I kept seeing a cat sized void of color darting about at our feet like it was keeping tabs on us. I never give attention to weird shadows and phantoms, though I see them fairly regularly. In a place like this they could be attached to any one of these artifacts, its a hazard of the trade. I made no note of its existence as I ambled onward.

Back upstairs again and I was greeted with a whole cabinet of fruit shaped kitchen ware, an absolutely darling dresser painted to look like the front of a Volkswagen bus, the head of a manniken all punked out with a Christmas light Mohawk, and of course who could forget the absolutely terrifying leather gorilla in attack position with glinting white teeth or the worst doctored nude I have ever seen? A black and white photo of a topless woman with tattoos randomly cut and pasted over the image, I hope in the days before photo shop was a thing because WOW that wasn’t fooling anyone.

This was a nice way to top off the adventure we already had next door. Sort of like a happy bonus!

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