Apologies this blog entry is two weeks late. I am trying to clean up my “haven’t actually posted” list. ANYWAY, it’s been a very long time since I have done anything athletic. I used to be very fit when I ran a farm but these days? Yeeeeeah. Between trying to stay put to avoid covid and not having a farm to run I’ve become quite “domesticated,” as my father once said about his overly rotund cat. It was time to change things up.
That’s why when my mother and myself were invited to join the Muddy Princess Mud Run we went for it. And then spent months not preparing. I was a little concerned because I’d done the Warrior Dash at the same location some years ago and that was proper hard. When I was way more muscular. I had learned I was afraid of heights that day – as I had one leg over a 17-foot A frame and the other on the opposing side – and that was anything but fun. My shitty ex balked and sighed in annoyance until two complete strangers helped me down. Bless those people. They were so nice it totally overrode the red flags my ex was waving so proudly. BUT ANYWAY…
Thankfully the Muddy Princess was not nearly so hardcore. At its heart it was a fundraising event for breast cancer. And a women-only space for the day. Which is good because the Warrior Dash sounded like something to accomplish but the Muddy Princess Mud Run just sounded like someone’s weird fetish. And with so many people in tutus I continued to ponder this even after arriving.
I’d been talked into a tutu too and was feeling ridiculous but I guess that’s part of the fun. My mother was already having a hard morning. Her stomach was upset even before we left. So imagine how happy I was to find the first few obstacles on this obstacle course were insanely easy – like walk through the bubbles! I breathed a sigh of relief. I was going to smoke this course.
Some of the obstacles got somewhat harder – go over the wall, climb the tires, that sort of thing, but I managed to do all of them except one which I’ll get to. We were probably a third of the way through the course when my mother started looking like absolute dogshit. I felt she was overheating but every time I asked her she insisted she wasn’t. But she was getting weak.
Halfway through the race I called out to the rest of the group to wait up. I’d found her some shade and she needed a good long rest. As we sat there one of our team members got a text alerting her that her partner who was fine just minutes ago was now being rushed to the hospital. It had nothing to do with the event but thank goodness it happened there where there were so many people to help! She was rocked. We all were. But there was nothing any of us could do so we continued on. My mother was doing better again and ready to go.
Then we came to the giant inflatable pink sofa wall. It was STUPID. Only two on my team even attempted it, one being me, and we both failed HARD. The damn obstacle was only halfway inflated making it impossible to grab ahold of and even more impossible for it to stand up long enough to allow people to climb over it. It rocked violently back and forth. People were flying through the air. The women who did go over seemed to accomplish this through pure luck and had to be pulled over from the other side by someone else as there was not a goddamn thing to hold onto at the top to hurl yourself over. We left this obstacle super annoyed. Later we’d be talking to the EMT’s on duty and they said this wall was killing them. That in two hours they’d attended to around ten injuries from this damn thing – mostly broken arms but also a few broken legs and a dislocated shoulder. None of these maimed people allowed for themselves to be driven to the hospital by ambulance. All wanted to drive themselves and only asked to be driven to their car and released. Why? Because ambulance rides are expensive!! If this doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about the American healthcare system I don’t know what does.
We had gotten around 2/3rds of the way when my mother started to crash again. Fortunately, we were just outside a new obstacle that had to have participants go through one by one instead of by group so there was an obscenely long line. I left her in the only bit of shade I could find and she sat on a log recovering and waiting for us. She knew where I was in line by my crazy orange hair. My cousin kept her company. Eventually I noticed an event truck making it’s rounds and I ran back to my mom to ask if she needed me to hail them down and get her back to the beginning but she insisted she was feeling better. So I went through the obstacle – which was a 2-foot-deep puddle of “mud” water that I am sure just smelled like cow poop, which we had to go through on our back. A chain-link fence was above us to grab and propel us forward. It was fun! And I was soaked and cool. I wish my mother hadn’t skipped this obstacle. She might be cool too!
She joined us again after and we completed the rest of the course. When the last big obstacle came up my mother did try it. It was a tall adult sized inflatable slide that you had to climb up and slide down. It was easy. She should have been able to make it but I guess she lost her grip on the last rung and fell to the bottom. I was concerned but she didn’t try it again. The last obstacle was another climb under something kind of deal. There were a lot of those on that day and earlier on I happily hummed Bridge Over the River Kwi as we went. I thought it was funny. My cousin looked up like she was trying to figure out what that damn tune was. Just a stupid military reference, my little hint of joyful chaos.
And then we were gathering our medals at the finish line – so close to the air-conditioned car that I could stop worrying about my mother. But first we had to gather our things and go get a bottle of water and maybe something to eat. In full sun. Outside a food truck. Mother found shade next to the food truck in a tent but it wasn’t enough. After a few bites of fruit leather she was on the ground dry heaving. Weak and unable to say much we tried to give her water. The teenagers who were running the food truck were wide eyed and terrified of what was going down. This was beyond their pay grade but they gave her a cooler to sit on and so much free water.
And then before I had any idea what was going on word got out there was someone overheating over here and I was suddenly surrounded on all sides by off duty nurses who were putting water-soaked napkins on her neck and forehead and telling her to lie down on the ground with her feet elevated. They asked if she could get to the shower station not far away but she was too weak. Instead they took her T-shirt and soaked it and came back. One nurse in particular refused to leave her until she’d proved she could eat a whole hot dog bun given to us for free by those same freaked out teenagers. And a piece of candy which was manifested from the crowd. She struggled but got it down.
By then the EMTs arrived. Two who came in and tested her blood sugar and took her temperature. By now she was recovering but another member of our crew was down. Same reason. Heat stroke. Although she decided to stay in direct sunlight even when being attended to by the same nurses and EMTs. Why? Because the tent smelled weird. I shit you not. Mother on the other hand had gained enough stamina to be led to a golf cart and driven to the shower station where she was doused with ice cold water. The color came back to her face. She was speaking coherently again.
It took quite a while but eventually my mother was able to make it to another tent halfway between this one and the parking lot where she rested again before making it to the car. She spent most of this time lamenting how stupid and weak she was but we told her she was doing fine, it happens to the best of us. Even me. Heat stroke was so imminent during my trip to see Rhode Island’s only covered bridge that I had to send my travel companion out to bring the car back to me. It was either that or an ambulance. I knew I was teetering shockingly close to needing that.
But hey this whole experience gave me lots of tips on how to cool down should it happen again! Put cold on the back of the neck, the forehead, the armpits, and possibly even the crotch. Soak your clothing if you can. Lay down with your feet elevated. Drink. Drink some more.
Despite all the drama it was fun and I don’t regret the experience at all and quite frankly it was a nice way to kick my own ass as far as getting back into shape. It’s time. And hey, I’m sure the charity part of this event means something too. Anyway, if you find yourself thinking about doing one of these runs you should try it! And if you need encouragement here’s a few photos of me getting through the course with all the elegance of a drunk buffalo.
