After having earlier that day hit Vermont Antique Mall and already being slightly overwelmed at the size and amount of antiques we started to go for broke. It was my companion’s vacation after all. So we looked up another place somewhat in the area and came up with the Stone House Antiques.
This is where things started to go off the rails as the GPS brought us to the middle of nowhere, over every pothole in the state, and we had to pull over and park in a nice church yard to regain our bearings and beg the phone for directions. Luckily at this point the phones still worked and we made our way easily to the appropriate parking lot.
Once again we were gifted a large market to explore with fancy bougie antiques on the first floor and the devil’s nostalgia pit in the basement. Upstairs the only thing that caught my attention was this weird blue glass baby bottle which for some unknown reason had two baby faces on the neck like a reversible doll. From afar it was pretty but up close it had old timey mental institution vibes. Just whhhy?
The basement proved even more fun. My companion was horrified by a cherub box which to be fair Doctor Who does imply cherubs are just baby Weeping Angels… I on the other hand was stopped in my tracks by a bowl that for no reason I could see had a ceramic clown head with a gaping mouth affixed to it. What is that even for?! Also pleeeease stop buying small children clowns. They’re not fun, they’re deeply traumatizing!
By now I’d discovered the “portrait” button on my cell phone’s camera which makes anything in the center of the photo crystal clear and anything beyond it whispy, dream-like, and out of focus. Would you believe this makes all the haunted dolls, possessed knickknacks, and suggestive clowns I find EVEN CREEPIER? I know, it’s a fact that charmed me so much I almost wish people still bought calendars… or conversation pieces to hang on their wall.
We were well satisfied picking through this place but by now we were a bit punch drunk on antiquing so we thought we’d find food… and that’s where everything started to go topside but that is a story for tomorrow.
I’ve been to the Hancock Creamery before but for some reason it never got posted?? Which is weird because that day we walked in and all I ended up buying was this awesome book of creepy photos and poems that one of the workers there wrote. It was called Sea Witch; Photographs, Poems and Forget Me Nots from a Mainer Growing Up. I should have had her sign it… as it absolutely delightful! The photography was whimsically dark, the poetry vulnerable, and it’s by a local author! What’s not to love?(Though for legal reasons I have to tell you if you buy it from the link above I will receive a small commission. I’m trying something new with this Amazon Associate experiment.)
This time around there wasn’t a stack of books at the door but instead we were greeted by an old man offering us fudge. Apparently, every Friday is fudge day. It was delightful fudge! And the antique store didn’t disappoint, just rows and rows and isles of some of the strangest damn things – everything from lobster shakers to a two-foot-tall chocolate Easter bunny mold to a decapitated ceramic clown head. Everyone needs one of those. And it was for the most part all different stuff than the last time. This has definitely been added to our list of continued haunts!
It’s that time of year! Our few days of Maine vacation! And this was the first antique store that popped up on our radar. It was not disappointing – an expansive mall that seemed to go on for miles getting increasingly unhinged. Very Stephen King-like.
So many dolls! And they all looked so joyous to be probably haunted. Also an old ESP test card kit met us practically at the door. This place was going to be weird… and it was! The bric-a-bracs were just…. baffling. Clowns having tea, a fully dressed anthropomorphic elephant with a top hat, a “barber” holding his razor to some poor Joe’s throat?? WEIRD. Very weird. The kind of weird you shouldn’t look at for two long in case you become part of the display in the case. *Twilight Zone music plays*
There were also a few booths from local artists, a nice stockpile or uranium glass, an inordinate number of weird books, some distressingly well-done taxidermy, and some Christmas decorations that could have put Liberace to shame. HOLY GLITTER.
This place was definitely worth the drive. It was large and had something for everyone – even the all-out freaks. What’s not to love about that?
This antique store was the reason we ended up going to The Dinosaur Place – because if we didn’t like the dinosaurs there was always an antique store to pick up the flak. We did very much enjoy both but ooph! This antique store would have been worth it just as a singular destination.
When we walked in it was…. swank. A large building with everything neatly arranged and tasteful music playing softly in the background. You know the sort of place you might wonder if you won’t be kicked out for loitering like that last antique store I ventured into on my own… but the old man at the counter was very sweet and told us all about the basement we should also check out. First though we’d poke at some terribly dramatic Gothic looking furniture and play with some terrifying dolls (an antique store without properly haunted dolls is a failure in my eyes.) And then we stumbled into THE FROG ROOM. A whole room dedicated to frogs! And it just made me so happy. What’s not to love about a swarm of adorable frogs?? Actually, it reminded me of my grandmother. She had hundreds of them in her house… I’d spend hours as a child counting them. Frog bric-o-bracs, frog salt and pepper shakers, frog wall art, frog lawn ornaments… frogs, frogs, frogs. Can’t beat it!
But after this we decided to go check out that basement. And WOW. Yes, it was much larger and seemed to be miles of random antiques. This was more what we were used to. Had a COMPLETELY different feel than upstairs. We poked around every corner – through trees of weird hats, many jars of marbles, and then at the very end we found the trifecta that hit all three categories of shit I like to find. It was a creepy doll, a clown, and racist as fuck. A minstrel doll. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS IN THEIR HOME?!
We had to have spend a good hour or two down there. The perfect way to round off the day.
“I know where I want to go this week!” “OK, where?”
“Lawrence Mass!”
“….WHY?!”
OK, so it might not be fair but my numerous run ins with Lawrence Mass haven’t left a particularly good taste in my mouth. My first time there the car stalled out in the middle of the night in front of a gas station where the cashier was happily holed up behind a bullet proof window wall. This was long before Covid so it wasn’t there for germs. The only other people around was a roving band of teenagers who looked pretty fucking rough. During another exciting detour I somehow ended up in a psychiatric waiting room in Lawrence where the people watching were… we’ll just say interesting.
So yeah, I wasn’t exactly hopping at the idea of going to Lawrence on purpose. But you know, every city has its good sides and bad sides, maybe it was time to look at it in a gentler light. Apparently there was an antique mall there. I know, the idea of an antique mall in the same vicinity as the above scenario seems preposterous but there it was… in an old mill building, sprawling for thousands of feet on several floors.
And I must admit it is kinda fun to go into a place that could be either amazing or absolutely awful. Keeps you on your toes, you know. And this place was full of surprises. First of all we kinda had a hard time finding the entrance as old mill buildings are like rat’s nests anyway. When we finally figured it out we entered to find an astonishing amount of random junk, very reminiscent of the junk shops in Maine. And then we turned a corner and found the clowns. Hundreds of them, all locked away in a display case with a few paintings spilling out into the general area. It was unnerving. And I like creepy dolls!
After this though we wound our way deeper into the mess and it started to have a healthy mix of junk store, proper antiques, local country chic crafts, and oodles of totally random things. We could have spent a week there picking. I ended up with a Janis Joplin album for $12 which made me super happy. I’d hoped to get some Christmas shopping done here but as sad as it is my family just aren’t as weird as I am and I found nothing to their tastes.
We did however go outside and across the parking lot where we were promised another floor of antiques. They had a completely different flavor. Up there we found lots of swanky furniture and a bunch of salvage items including a giant room full of doors that set off my sense of whimsy. Which one goes to Narnia and which one has a rabbit hole behind it? NOBODY KNOWS. And to make it all the more magical I found a Superman trap! I mean a phone booth. A real phone booth, complete with a phone, for only $900! Man, did that bring back memories.
All and all though this was worth the trip (even thought the GPS was being a total dick and wound me through Boston for no conceivable reason.) And hey, if you have someone who likes either junk or proper antiques this place was appropriate for gift shopping. I took lots of photos but then I lost the memory card. I guess I must have eaten it because it is goooone. Luckily I took a few cell phone snaps that I was sharing with Twitter as I was walking through so this entry won’t be completely naked.
Since I was already in the area cooing at my submersible friends at AquaCorals, I decided I would stop at an antique mall just down the street. I was told by locals it was huge and would take me at least two hours to rummage through. They were not kidding! This was an enormous building, several old industrial barns I think, with five winding labyrinthine floors. It just kept going and going and going… They had something for everyone here. If you’re familiar with my blog you probably already know what I was looking for – anything really bizarre and a light smattering of soul sucking dolls. I was not disappointed! And since there’s not really much more I can say on the topic I decided this entry will be a little… different. So I am taking my favorite photos of the hundreds I took and am just going to add a little…. commentary. If you’re easily offended this is probably the point you should leave this page, otherwise continue on!
Literally the first thing I saw was a giant cock… no really, isn’t he handsome? If I still ran a poultry farm he would have so come home with me.
After entering the store I stumbled onto this HUGE moose head with the most amusing sign behind him… It reads, “Hunting $50.00 per day, by written permission only.” I’m not a hunter but I sort of think this one’s already spent.
Then I found an album of what is most likely some of my distant relatives…. though this woman has a striking resemblance to Lizzie Borden and I wonder….
Followed by a set of terrifying patriotic mugs…
By this time my mother, who was tagging along in today’s adventures, was rifling through the old photos when she came across this one and finally admitted they might actually be relatives of ours…
I may have replied if I weren’t distracted by a series of pots who appeared to be blooming? Seriously though, what is up with the one on the far left?? It’s going to burst!
Two seconds later I got the sensation someone was watching me and when I turned around I found out it was Amelia Earhart. Huh.
Then I started running into the…. randomly probably quite racist items. I don’t even know which minority this is supposed to be offending. It looks like an old Asian dude wearing an Indian feather…?!
Then I found the saddest lion glued to a hot air balloon! I think he was sad because the hunter on the left shot his family…
“Pediophobia is the unwarranted, irrational and persistent fear or worry of dolls.” Why do I mention this? Oh no reason….
There is no word for the rational fear of dolls but I believe there should be. Just look at this doll and tell me there isn’t something a wee bit off there.
Of course dolls don’t always kill people. Sometimes they take out their murderous rage on other dolls. Evidence of this can be seen here. Witness the empty pram, the demonically smiling blonde looking up at the light like she just sacrificed a baby to the gods – OH LOOK! To the lefthand corner we can see the crumpled corpse of an infant! SHE DID. SHE TOTALLY SACRIFICED THAT BABY!
This doll knows something we don’t, maybe he’s next…
A common trick for serial killer dolls is to leave something shiny out for potential victims to be distracted by… Oooooo!
AHHHH! Those soulless eyes!
No worries, this next one’s asleep – and I am terribly confused by it. Just… why??
Hey look! It’s a me! I’m not for sale though. Sorta like Alice from Alice’s Restaurant. You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant, excepting Alice…
“Coulrophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clowns.”
Coulropediophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clown dolls. (Also I may have just made that up but it seems like it should be a thing…)
Here’s a cow who has apparently been eating cow flops…. Maybe the doll behind him was bullying him?
The eighties were a weird time when little girls across the country all bounded for joy to have their very own Little Miss Prosti-Tot. Her first name is Trix.
“Look! I found a re-borne! Its heavy! And cute! IT HAS DROOL!” — “Mom, put that down. It looks like it came from the morgue.”
I know this post is getting a little doll heavy but look at these giggling ankle biters…. tell me they won’t haunt your dreams tonight…
I have no idea what’s going on here…. and something tells me I don’t want to… look at that shocked expression in the back corner!
This one just ate someone’s heart, I swear, ripped it right out of their chest. That’s why she’s so gleeful.
OK OK, time to stop staring at the dolls and hope they aren’t like Weeping Angels, you know coming to kill you as soon as you blink. Look! A weird ENORMOUS painting of a moth! And a lock! How manly! It’s art for menly men!
And of course it’s not a real antique store if there isn’t any froofy furniture… I have for you, a chair, the first of many, but don’t worry, I won’t linger like I did with the dolls.
I was actually kind of impressed with this next one. It’s a bird made entirely of seeds. I call it a seedling.
I rubbed it and made three wishes. All that happened is I got thrown out for molesting the lamps.
Never trust a nun. Never trust a nurse. And never trust a cat. (Also never trust someone with too many Doctor Who jokes.)
That last rhyme said nothing of hares…. but this one doesn’t look trustworthy either.
“OK, I need you to make me a butter dish in the shape of a terrified cat…. make sure to add googly eyes.”
I’m at a lack of words for this next one. Well sort of. I mean I have words…. I just don’t think I should use them. A picture is worth a thousand after all…
Shout out to all the Mass girls…
I’m going to kill you thiiiiiiis much!
Here are some Humbolt figurines telling each other stories of lurid debauchery.
“Can’t sleep, clown’s going to eat me. Can’t sleep, clowns going to eat me.”
For a second I forgot this place actually had legitimately not-scary things for sale…
I actually sort of like this lamp…. which makes no sense since dolls and Cherubs freak me out so much…
Bet you didn’t know UnDead dolls were a thing…
PUPPY!!
Yes, if you want your crank phone to work… add wires. Always add wires.
“All the better to strangle you with!”
I found Liberace’s dinnerware…
I am as surprised as you are – granted I don’t have a bottle shoved up my backside… so maybe not.
Two old tribesmen…. fighting over CDs…. (Seriously the label said this was a CD rack…)
My eye was caught by some really sweet purple bottles…. and then I started reading them. This one literally says “2oz Sperm” which had me concerned for a moment before I continued to read “sewing machine oil.”
Unless you collect buttons you have no idea how impressive this is…
HOLY CRAP. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHUNK OF ORANGE… I must be delirious from the heat! (It is actually 94 degrees and muuuuuuuugggggy, so this may be a hallucination. Either way I don’t have $45 or a place to put such a wonder…)
OK, now I am positive I am hallucinating because that wall hanging looks like Wilfred, that crude smack-talking Australian dude in a dog outfit…
PLEASE NO homoerotic displays “DANCING” Coincidentally this sign also reminded me of this scene:
The Doctor: We were talking about dancing.
Captain Jack: It didn’t look like talking.
Rose Tyler: It didn’t feel like dancing.
I’m not going to ask what he’s spitting out.
OH HELL NO. FETCH ME THE FLY SWATTER!! QUICK!!
I found a soulless cocker spaniel. Who knew!
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? No one, because no one dared…. holy crap is this thing scary!
A tiny doll mink trap!
This doll is not amused by that last joke. She knew another doll whose porcelain ankle was shattered by a doll mink trap once…
My mother, “I had a doll exactly like this once!” Damned if I didn’t know that – her brother bought it for her when they were children and her other brother ripped off its fingers. She kept the fingers in a tiny drawer hoping someday to glue them back on but then the doll got ruined or thrown out or something and all that was left were tiny tiny disembodied fingers…. which I found later. You know what? This could begin to explain my ill ease with dolls…
WHY?!
LOVE the sign behind these two soulless dears. “Visitors of hotel guests MUST LEAVE.” Must be the hotel California.
“Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back to the place I was before ‘Relax’ said the night man, ‘We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!'”
There’s too many things in this next work of art that rattle me to the core for me to even begin explaining…
He’s just pissed he’s been stored in a box surrounded on all sides by honky music.
I legitimately thought these were artful renditions of the TARDIS at first…
Another small dead child.
I’m being alerted I haven’t offended enough Asian people in this post soooo…
Look! A jaundiced pig! Who’s up to something.
Anyone remember being read Babushka’s Doll as a child? Also, you know what, my fears of dolls is starting to really make sense now.
Butt nuggets Cookies!!
He’s seen too much.
Uhmmm…. that’s not where salt comes from….
This bitch is too classy for this joint.
What’s that? I also haven’t offended enough black people? OK, we’ll just see what this doll has to say about that!
The only two realistic looking black dolls ARE NOT AMUSED by that last joke. In fact they’re not amused by anything. Whose idea was it to make a series of depressed children’s dolls anyway?
Paradise Lost? “WAKE UP EVE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE UP!”
Did you know Native Americans are devils? Me either.
OK the Viking ship is kind of impressive… though I don’t think wooden sails sounds like such a great idea.
These two little gents got their portrait painted after they murdered the rest of their family and took a break to smoke a pipe. Seriously though, why is the little one smoking a pipe?! And are those really cemetery crosses?!
Ah, that’s better, a pony.
I found this cabinet, which I really liked, buuut I think it’s haunted. No reason, just a swirling feeling in my gut…
Just to be sure I opened it to let the ghosts out.
Remember when I said the first thing I saw was a giant cock? Well, the last thing I saw leaving was two giant cocks. Hope you enjoyed my little jaunt, until next time!
Since I was already in the area cooing at my submersible friends at 
