Of course, I couldn’t go a week without checking out a different antique mall. This one was a two-hour drive and worth it because it was an unending Byzantine labyrinth of all sorts of oddness. That was 16,500 square feet and 200 dealers worth of strange. Loved every second!
As with any of these adventures the shop soon came out with the theme of the day: animals that should be featured on a meme reading, “You know what a *something* looks like, right?” Whether they were old folk art paintings, weird stylized sculptures, figurines, or random artifacts there was all sorts of bizarrely created animals – each and every one of them looking at least a little bit off. One of which neither one of us could identify read cryptically, “cat.” Sure. That’s what that was.
There was the usual assortment of dolls, clowns, and Old Timey racism but also a number of art pieces and various paintings and wall hangings that could satisfy any decor. There was even one of two babies “sleeping” with a doll that probably didn’t kill them. We spent a few hours picking through the isles, booths, and glass cabinets. It was a really decent spread! All sorts of things! Even a figurine of a black gentlemen dressed in the Victorian era’s finest to offset the other racist garbage. I love to see someone celebrating minorities that did succeed (and just because history has largely made sure that didn’t last and forgotten them doesn’t mean they didn’t exist at all.)
So that’s where I’ll end this blog entry. If you happen to be in the Stratford CT area or are looking for a big place to go picking this seems to be a good bet!
Last week it was raining so our adventures ended up being indoors at a few antique places. This first one in Clinton CT was another one of those TARDIS experiences – it looked bigger on this inside. In fact this place was HUGE with antiques shoved in every nook and corner and even hanging from the ceilings. And right away it showed its unique character as being absolutely stuffed to the gills with knives. And swords. And even firearms. Just a whole arsenal really – including a CANE SWORD. In case you want to be a Victorian James Bond.
I was not disappointed with the selection of creepy dolls but they were out staged by a large assortment of eccentric (and often woefully tacky) clocks. Wall clocks. Cuckoo clocks. Grandfather clocks. Watches. A Nixen dressed as Superman clock. Anything at all with which to tell the time which is ironic since the other thing we found there, scattered in a few random pieces throughout the store, was World War II artifacts including but not limited to a Nazi helmet and several things emblazoned in full swastikas.
“I didn’t know it was legal to sell that…”
“Legal? I don’t think it’s illegal… just not something most antique stores want to be associated with…”
And it’s true a lot of these places have these artifacts in the backroom only to be seen when specifically asked about or they refuse to carry them at all. Bad karma. It was a little emotionally distressing to see but I guess there’s a collector for everything and I am aware of at least a few Jewish collectors who go for these items (God knows why…) Let’s hope they were the buyers keeping them in business and not the skinheads we have all become way too accustomed to.
There was also a really well taxidermied blood hound just randomly mixed in with everything else. I ended up buying some marbles which were obviously created by some amateur with a homemade forge. They were “irregular” to say the least – an assortment of sizes, and none of them perfectly round. It was a bottle of wonky marbles. How could I leave them there?
Another day, another fantastically unending antique mall, filled to the brim with anything and everything my twisted heart could desire. This shop used to be an old roller skating rink but now hosts a great number of different vendors. In typical Maine fashion you will find lots and lots of random junk probably collected by a hoarder, tons of truly bizarre folk art and oddities, and the occasional tasteful antique for an equally tasteful price. This is one of my favorite places to hit when I am up here because it’s always full to the brim and the people are always charming and friendly (that goes for the customers as much as it does the dealers!)
Sooooo….. what did I find today? Well, it started with this delightfully demonic cat lamp…
“LOOK UP!” my mother kept yelling at me. “WHY?! Is something about to fall on me?!” No, there’s just a horrified baby doll hawking cigarettes up there.
Speaking of demonic cats…. This one is made out of “Real feline goat hair.” It’s as surprised as we are.
Maine is a great place to go if you collect racist black history artifacts. Most antique stores usually have a piece or two but Maine doesn’t hide them in the back room… This one struck me as even more “off” than usual! It reads, “My it shure am sweet!”
Then this was nearby. “HOLY SHIT, a black doll that looks human….” Carved from wood this was by far the least terrifying doll on offer.
Then I found this white doll shitting itself making a pouty face. Can’t really blame it. It was cuddled up with a black baby doll… and well… hatred is learned people!
Which brings me to this “topsy turvy doll….” which I think is some sort of liberal’s idea of teaching their kids equality…. but really, at the end of the day, it’s just a naked bi-racial conjoined twin from the Twilight Zone.
Here we have a nun converting all the heathen native children… and Batman. Because Batman is totally cool with that sort of thing.
Heeeeey, it’s Burger King…. before the make-over….. just WOW….
And then I came across this little orange haired clown doll… and I actually thought it was kind of cute. Everyone else was screaming in horror.
“LOOK UP! It’s Bugs Bunny!” I don’t believe that for a second. Why is the carrot glowing like that??
This sophisticated pig says you’re made of bacon.
This little white doll has been kidnapped and dressed in the garb of an Indian. Now he’s sad.
AHHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL IT!!
Fun trivia fact: Little Miss Muffet was the daughter of a notorious entomologist who bred deadly deadly spiders in his lab.
Remember when Steamboat Willie got Bloat? Yeah, me either.
The look of absolute disgust on this little gent’s face… it’s almost like he heard another doll reciting the original version of Catch a Tiger by the Toe….
Here’s a bunch of African animals lined up behind a meat grinder.
I don’t know what heinous crime this little fella just committed but whatever it was I think I’m OK with it.
This elk looks a little too chill to be dead. He’s like someone’s reincarnated prankster uncle…
Now welcoming the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Doll. Limited granny edition.
I remember when I was a child I loved cuddling into bed to listen to my mother read me Snow White and the Demonic Squirrel...
Slightly morbid, Joe. Slightly morbid.
Hey! Look! It’s me fucking around!
Again I am not sure who this is supposed to be offending. It looks like a Mariachi band led by a really fat Native American woman…?
GNOMES!!! I know what you’re saying, “You’re terrified of dolls but you love gnomes?!” YES, YES I DO. And not just because their great grand daddy is supposed to be Priapus the ever-erect Greek God of Embarrassing ER Visits.
Remember when Irish Catholics weren’t considered “white.” *whistles*
PIXIES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
I’m not sure what just happened in this little scene…. but that little boy is crying and I feel like I need a shower.
What can still suck out your soul that isn’t a haunted doll? A haunted painting of a child…. I would not hang this in my house if you paid me.
Mother: “Look a gay couple!”
Me: “THOSE ARE BUTLERS.”
I don’t know what “gall salve” is but I question the legitimacy of rubbing it on my horse.
Here’s the Prince of Maine… in case you’re wondering…. Maine totally had a prince once and this is Him. His reign was toppled when the schoolyard bully smudged mud on his velvety suit and made him eat worms.
I’m always amused by the random unnamed photos in antique stores. This one isn’t even that old. There’s probably some guy out there, we’ll call him Dave, that is wandering by going, “HEY! THAT’S FUCKING ME! WHY IS MY PHOTO HANGING IN AN ANTIQUE STORE?!”
I don’t know who this little darling is either…. but I don’t trust her….
GAWD, those pixies are everywhere!! Going to have to invest in some Fairy Spray.
Betty Boop WOULD NEVER.
A surprisingly noble stuffed turkey…
Ever had a significant other that kept lamenting, “You make me want to shoot myself!” This is the perfect gift for them. Caffeine and guns. Can’t go wrong.
I have no idea why the scalp of Charlie Chaplin and some random Mountie are 50% off… but that seems like a deal!
Another probably haunted painting… Can you get higher insurance rates on things that are possessed?
Giggling. Killer. Corn.
Finally, this pooch is guaranteed to work better than an actual guard dog…
Since I was already in the area cooing at my submersible friends at AquaCorals, I decided I would stop at an antique mall just down the street. I was told by locals it was huge and would take me at least two hours to rummage through. They were not kidding! This was an enormous building, several old industrial barns I think, with five winding labyrinthine floors. It just kept going and going and going… They had something for everyone here. If you’re familiar with my blog you probably already know what I was looking for – anything really bizarre and a light smattering of soul sucking dolls. I was not disappointed! And since there’s not really much more I can say on the topic I decided this entry will be a little… different. So I am taking my favorite photos of the hundreds I took and am just going to add a little…. commentary. If you’re easily offended this is probably the point you should leave this page, otherwise continue on!
Literally the first thing I saw was a giant cock… no really, isn’t he handsome? If I still ran a poultry farm he would have so come home with me.
After entering the store I stumbled onto this HUGE moose head with the most amusing sign behind him… It reads, “Hunting $50.00 per day, by written permission only.” I’m not a hunter but I sort of think this one’s already spent.
Then I found an album of what is most likely some of my distant relatives…. though this woman has a striking resemblance to Lizzie Borden and I wonder….
Followed by a set of terrifying patriotic mugs…
By this time my mother, who was tagging along in today’s adventures, was rifling through the old photos when she came across this one and finally admitted they might actually be relatives of ours…
I may have replied if I weren’t distracted by a series of pots who appeared to be blooming? Seriously though, what is up with the one on the far left?? It’s going to burst!
Two seconds later I got the sensation someone was watching me and when I turned around I found out it was Amelia Earhart. Huh.
Then I started running into the…. randomly probably quite racist items. I don’t even know which minority this is supposed to be offending. It looks like an old Asian dude wearing an Indian feather…?!
Then I found the saddest lion glued to a hot air balloon! I think he was sad because the hunter on the left shot his family…
“Pediophobia is the unwarranted, irrational and persistent fear or worry of dolls.” Why do I mention this? Oh no reason….
There is no word for the rational fear of dolls but I believe there should be. Just look at this doll and tell me there isn’t something a wee bit off there.
Of course dolls don’t always kill people. Sometimes they take out their murderous rage on other dolls. Evidence of this can be seen here. Witness the empty pram, the demonically smiling blonde looking up at the light like she just sacrificed a baby to the gods – OH LOOK! To the lefthand corner we can see the crumpled corpse of an infant! SHE DID. SHE TOTALLY SACRIFICED THAT BABY!
This doll knows something we don’t, maybe he’s next…
A common trick for serial killer dolls is to leave something shiny out for potential victims to be distracted by… Oooooo!
AHHHH! Those soulless eyes!
No worries, this next one’s asleep – and I am terribly confused by it. Just… why??
Hey look! It’s a me! I’m not for sale though. Sorta like Alice from Alice’s Restaurant. You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant, excepting Alice…
“Coulrophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clowns.”
Coulropediophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clown dolls. (Also I may have just made that up but it seems like it should be a thing…)
Here’s a cow who has apparently been eating cow flops…. Maybe the doll behind him was bullying him?
The eighties were a weird time when little girls across the country all bounded for joy to have their very own Little Miss Prosti-Tot. Her first name is Trix.
“Look! I found a re-borne! Its heavy! And cute! IT HAS DROOL!” — “Mom, put that down. It looks like it came from the morgue.”
I know this post is getting a little doll heavy but look at these giggling ankle biters…. tell me they won’t haunt your dreams tonight…
I have no idea what’s going on here…. and something tells me I don’t want to… look at that shocked expression in the back corner!
This one just ate someone’s heart, I swear, ripped it right out of their chest. That’s why she’s so gleeful.
OK OK, time to stop staring at the dolls and hope they aren’t like Weeping Angels, you know coming to kill you as soon as you blink. Look! A weird ENORMOUS painting of a moth! And a lock! How manly! It’s art for menly men!
And of course it’s not a real antique store if there isn’t any froofy furniture… I have for you, a chair, the first of many, but don’t worry, I won’t linger like I did with the dolls.
I was actually kind of impressed with this next one. It’s a bird made entirely of seeds. I call it a seedling.
I rubbed it and made three wishes. All that happened is I got thrown out for molesting the lamps.
Never trust a nun. Never trust a nurse. And never trust a cat. (Also never trust someone with too many Doctor Who jokes.)
That last rhyme said nothing of hares…. but this one doesn’t look trustworthy either.
“OK, I need you to make me a butter dish in the shape of a terrified cat…. make sure to add googly eyes.”
I’m at a lack of words for this next one. Well sort of. I mean I have words…. I just don’t think I should use them. A picture is worth a thousand after all…
Shout out to all the Mass girls…
I’m going to kill you thiiiiiiis much!
Here are some Humbolt figurines telling each other stories of lurid debauchery.
“Can’t sleep, clown’s going to eat me. Can’t sleep, clowns going to eat me.”
For a second I forgot this place actually had legitimately not-scary things for sale…
I actually sort of like this lamp…. which makes no sense since dolls and Cherubs freak me out so much…
Bet you didn’t know UnDead dolls were a thing…
PUPPY!!
Yes, if you want your crank phone to work… add wires. Always add wires.
“All the better to strangle you with!”
I found Liberace’s dinnerware…
I am as surprised as you are – granted I don’t have a bottle shoved up my backside… so maybe not.
Two old tribesmen…. fighting over CDs…. (Seriously the label said this was a CD rack…)
My eye was caught by some really sweet purple bottles…. and then I started reading them. This one literally says “2oz Sperm” which had me concerned for a moment before I continued to read “sewing machine oil.”
Unless you collect buttons you have no idea how impressive this is…
HOLY CRAP. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHUNK OF ORANGE… I must be delirious from the heat! (It is actually 94 degrees and muuuuuuuugggggy, so this may be a hallucination. Either way I don’t have $45 or a place to put such a wonder…)
OK, now I am positive I am hallucinating because that wall hanging looks like Wilfred, that crude smack-talking Australian dude in a dog outfit…
PLEASE NO homoerotic displays “DANCING” Coincidentally this sign also reminded me of this scene:
The Doctor: We were talking about dancing.
Captain Jack: It didn’t look like talking.
Rose Tyler: It didn’t feel like dancing.
I’m not going to ask what he’s spitting out.
OH HELL NO. FETCH ME THE FLY SWATTER!! QUICK!!
I found a soulless cocker spaniel. Who knew!
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? No one, because no one dared…. holy crap is this thing scary!
A tiny doll mink trap!
This doll is not amused by that last joke. She knew another doll whose porcelain ankle was shattered by a doll mink trap once…
My mother, “I had a doll exactly like this once!” Damned if I didn’t know that – her brother bought it for her when they were children and her other brother ripped off its fingers. She kept the fingers in a tiny drawer hoping someday to glue them back on but then the doll got ruined or thrown out or something and all that was left were tiny tiny disembodied fingers…. which I found later. You know what? This could begin to explain my ill ease with dolls…
WHY?!
LOVE the sign behind these two soulless dears. “Visitors of hotel guests MUST LEAVE.” Must be the hotel California.
“Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back to the place I was before ‘Relax’ said the night man, ‘We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!'”
There’s too many things in this next work of art that rattle me to the core for me to even begin explaining…
He’s just pissed he’s been stored in a box surrounded on all sides by honky music.
I legitimately thought these were artful renditions of the TARDIS at first…
Another small dead child.
I’m being alerted I haven’t offended enough Asian people in this post soooo…
Look! A jaundiced pig! Who’s up to something.
Anyone remember being read Babushka’s Doll as a child? Also, you know what, my fears of dolls is starting to really make sense now.
Butt nuggets Cookies!!
He’s seen too much.
Uhmmm…. that’s not where salt comes from….
This bitch is too classy for this joint.
What’s that? I also haven’t offended enough black people? OK, we’ll just see what this doll has to say about that!
The only two realistic looking black dolls ARE NOT AMUSED by that last joke. In fact they’re not amused by anything. Whose idea was it to make a series of depressed children’s dolls anyway?
Paradise Lost? “WAKE UP EVE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE UP!”
Did you know Native Americans are devils? Me either.
OK the Viking ship is kind of impressive… though I don’t think wooden sails sounds like such a great idea.
These two little gents got their portrait painted after they murdered the rest of their family and took a break to smoke a pipe. Seriously though, why is the little one smoking a pipe?! And are those really cemetery crosses?!
Ah, that’s better, a pony.
I found this cabinet, which I really liked, buuut I think it’s haunted. No reason, just a swirling feeling in my gut…
Just to be sure I opened it to let the ghosts out.
Remember when I said the first thing I saw was a giant cock? Well, the last thing I saw leaving was two giant cocks. Hope you enjoyed my little jaunt, until next time!
Since I was already in the area cooing at my submersible friends at 
