Since I was already in the area cooing at my submersible friends at AquaCorals, I decided I would stop at an antique mall just down the street. I was told by locals it was huge and would take me at least two hours to rummage through. They were not kidding! This was an enormous building, several old industrial barns I think, with five winding labyrinthine floors. It just kept going and going and going… They had something for everyone here. If you’re familiar with my blog you probably already know what I was looking for – anything really bizarre and a light smattering of soul sucking dolls. I was not disappointed! And since there’s not really much more I can say on the topic I decided this entry will be a little… different. So I am taking my favorite photos of the hundreds I took and am just going to add a little…. commentary. If you’re easily offended this is probably the point you should leave this page, otherwise continue on!

Literally the first thing I saw was a giant cock… no really, isn’t he handsome? If I still ran a poultry farm he would have so come home with me.

After entering the store I stumbled onto this HUGE moose head with the most amusing sign behind him… It reads, “Hunting $50.00 per day, by written permission only.” I’m not a hunter but I sort of think this one’s already spent.

Then I found an album of what is most likely some of my distant relatives…. though this woman has a striking resemblance to Lizzie Borden and I wonder….

Followed by a set of terrifying patriotic mugs…

By this time my mother, who was tagging along in today’s adventures, was rifling through the old photos when she came across this one and finally admitted they might actually be relatives of ours…

I may have replied if I weren’t distracted by a series of pots who appeared to be blooming? Seriously though, what is up with the one on the far left?? It’s going to burst!

Two seconds later I got the sensation someone was watching me and when I turned around I found out it was Amelia Earhart. Huh.

Then I started running into the…. randomly probably quite racist items. I don’t even know which minority this is supposed to be offending. It looks like an old Asian dude wearing an Indian feather…?!

Then I found the saddest lion glued to a hot air balloon! I think he was sad because the hunter on the left shot his family…

“Pediophobia is the unwarranted, irrational and persistent fear or worry of dolls.” Why do I mention this? Oh no reason….

There is no word for the rational fear of dolls but I believe there should be. Just look at this doll and tell me there isn’t something a wee bit off there.

Of course dolls don’t always kill people. Sometimes they take out their murderous rage on other dolls. Evidence of this can be seen here. Witness the empty pram, the demonically smiling blonde looking up at the light like she just sacrificed a baby to the gods – OH LOOK! To the lefthand corner we can see the crumpled corpse of an infant! SHE DID. SHE TOTALLY SACRIFICED THAT BABY!

This doll knows something we don’t, maybe he’s next…

A common trick for serial killer dolls is to leave something shiny out for potential victims to be distracted by… Oooooo! 

AHHHH! Those soulless eyes!

No worries, this next one’s asleep – and I am terribly confused by it. Just… why??

Hey look! It’s a me! I’m not for sale though. Sorta like Alice from Alice’s Restaurant. You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant, excepting Alice…

“Coulrophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clowns.”

Coulropediophobia is the persistent and irrational fear of clown dolls. (Also I may have just made that up but it seems like it should be a thing…)

Here’s a cow who has apparently been eating cow flops…. Maybe the doll behind him was bullying him?

The eighties were a weird time when little girls across the country all bounded for joy to have their very own Little Miss Prosti-Tot. Her first name is Trix.

This baby knows something, something big, something dark. Hey where’d Trix go?

“Look! I found a re-borne! Its heavy! And cute! IT HAS DROOL!” — “Mom, put that down. It looks like it came from the morgue.”

I know this post is getting a little doll heavy but look at these giggling ankle biters…. tell me they won’t haunt your dreams tonight…

I have no idea what’s going on here…. and something tells me I don’t want to… look at that shocked expression in the back corner!

This one just ate someone’s heart, I swear, ripped it right out of their chest. That’s why she’s so gleeful.

OK OK, time to stop staring at the dolls and hope they aren’t like Weeping Angels, you know coming to kill you as soon as you blink. Look! A weird ENORMOUS painting of a moth! And a lock! How manly! It’s art for menly men!

And of course it’s not a real antique store if there isn’t any froofy furniture… I have for you, a chair, the first of many, but don’t worry, I won’t linger like I did with the dolls.

I was actually kind of impressed with this next one. It’s a bird made entirely of seeds. I call it a seedling.

I rubbed it and made three wishes. All that happened is I got thrown out for molesting the lamps.

Never trust a nun. Never trust a nurse. And never trust a cat. (Also never trust someone with too many Doctor Who jokes.)

That last rhyme said nothing of hares…. but this one doesn’t look trustworthy either.

“OK, I need you to make me a butter dish in the shape of a terrified cat….  make sure to add googly eyes.”

I’m at a lack of words for this next one. Well sort of. I mean I have words….  I just don’t think I should use them. A picture is worth a thousand after all…

Shout out to all the Mass girls…

I’m going to kill you thiiiiiiis much!

Here are some Humbolt figurines telling each other stories of lurid debauchery.

“Can’t sleep, clown’s going to eat me. Can’t sleep, clowns going to eat me.”

For a second I forgot this place actually had legitimately not-scary things for sale…

I actually sort of like this lamp…. which makes no sense since dolls and Cherubs freak me out so much…

Bet you didn’t know UnDead dolls were a thing…

PUPPY!!

Yes, if you want your crank phone to work… add wires. Always add wires.

“All the better to strangle you with!”

I found Liberace’s dinnerware…

I am as surprised as you are – granted I don’t have a bottle shoved up my backside… so maybe not.

Two old tribesmen…. fighting over CDs…. (Seriously the label said this was a CD rack…)

My eye was caught by some really sweet purple bottles…. and then I started reading them. This one literally says “2oz Sperm” which had me concerned for a moment before I continued to read “sewing machine oil.”

Unless you collect buttons you have no idea how impressive this is…

HOLY CRAP. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CHUNK OF ORANGE… I must be delirious from the heat! (It is actually 94 degrees and muuuuuuuugggggy, so this may be a hallucination. Either way I don’t have $45 or a place to put such a wonder…)

OK, now I am positive I am hallucinating because that wall hanging looks like Wilfred, that crude smack-talking Australian dude in a dog outfit…

PLEASE NO homoerotic displays “DANCING” Coincidentally this sign also reminded me of this scene:

The Doctor: We were talking about dancing.

Captain Jack: It didn’t look like talking.

Rose Tyler: It didn’t feel like dancing.

I’m not going to ask what he’s spitting out.

OH HELL NO. FETCH ME THE FLY SWATTER!! QUICK!!

I found a soulless cocker spaniel. Who knew!

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? No one, because no one dared…. holy crap is this thing scary!

A tiny doll mink trap!

This doll is not amused by that last joke. She knew another doll whose porcelain ankle was shattered by a doll mink trap once…

My mother, “I had a doll exactly like this once!” Damned if I didn’t know that – her brother bought it for her when they were children and her other brother ripped off its fingers. She kept the fingers in a tiny drawer hoping someday to glue them back on but then the doll got ruined or thrown out or something and all that was left were tiny tiny disembodied fingers…. which I found later. You know what? This could begin to explain my ill ease with dolls…

WHY?!

LOVE the sign behind these two soulless dears. “Visitors of hotel guests MUST LEAVE.” Must be the hotel California.

“Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
‘Relax’ said the night man,
‘We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'”

There’s too many things in this next work of art that rattle me to the core for me to even begin explaining…

He’s just pissed he’s been stored in a box surrounded on all sides by honky music.

I legitimately thought these were artful renditions of the TARDIS at first…

Another small dead child.

I’m being alerted I haven’t offended enough Asian people in this post soooo…

Look! A jaundiced pig! Who’s up to something.

Anyone remember being read Babushka’s Doll as a child? Also, you know what, my fears of dolls is starting to really make sense now.

Butt nuggets Cookies!!

He’s seen too much.

Uhmmm…. that’s not where salt comes from….

This bitch is too classy for this joint.

What’s that? I also haven’t offended enough black people? OK, we’ll just see what this doll has to say about that!

The only two realistic looking black dolls ARE NOT AMUSED by that last joke. In fact they’re not amused by anything. Whose idea was it to make a series of depressed children’s dolls anyway?

Paradise Lost? “WAKE UP EVE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE UP!”

Did you know Native Americans are devils? Me either.

OK the Viking ship is kind of impressive… though I don’t think wooden sails sounds like such a great idea.

These two little gents got their portrait painted after they murdered the rest of their family and took a break to smoke a pipe. Seriously though, why is the little one smoking a pipe?! And are those really cemetery crosses?!

Ah, that’s better, a pony.

I found this cabinet, which I really liked, buuut I think it’s haunted. No reason, just a swirling feeling in my gut…

Just to be sure I opened it to let the ghosts out.

Remember when I said the first thing I saw was a giant cock? Well, the last thing I saw leaving was two giant cocks. Hope you enjoyed my little jaunt, until next time!