This is going to sound absolutely bonkers but a few winters ago I was driving at night past Kellie’s Cafe and I saw a velociraptor in the parking lot. A fucking life-size dinosaur was just chilling there on a trailer at 3am. Now, I know from previous instances in my life that it’s best not to ask questions buuuut the next morning the damn velociraptor was gone and I was left wondering what glitch in the matrix I’d just witnessed. I made note of which parking lot it was and kept this story to my damn self until over a year later my companion excitedly explained there was a life-size bronze velociraptor living in the yard at Aardvark Antiques just down the road. I KNEW IT!! I DID SEE A DINOSAUR!
What does this have to do with the little British cafe whose parking lot was once infested with prehistoric beasts? Not much. I doubt they had any idea. But seeing as I now knew about this place why not check it out? I like British things… especially Doctor Who. Fucking love Doctor Who. This place had a big old Britishly colored teapot as it’s sign outside so this seemed like good indication it’d be interesting…
Inside the cafe was absolutely tiny with only a few tables. Two servicemen and a single English dude were the only customers here on this particular day. We made our way in quietly and sat down while looking at the back wall which had a HUGE teacup display behind a life size cut out of the queen. I mean I get it, I know y’all have a king now but he has the charisma of a frozen cod fish soooo… I’ll accept this weird tribute to the former queen. My English friend tells me this is customary and everyone has one to mutter loyalties to once a day. Pretty sure he’s fucking with me there.
ANYWAY… we were tended to by a sweet lady whose accent sounded American for a few sentences and then not so much. Cracked me up. I love British accents. She offered us tea with our breakfast and I accepted. My companion stuck to coffee. We looked over the menu and realized there was fun options here to play with. A Full English Breakfast was one. My companion took that. I on the other hand I was morbidly curious about the Scotch Egg. I’d seen one being eaten on Broadchurch and heard people talking about them several times since but my grasp of what it actually was was…. poor. One way to find out! Our hostess seemed delighted I wanted to try one and she asked if my companion would like the blood pudding with his English breakfast at which point I think his brain shuttered. He struggled to answer for a moment but then said no. I on the other hand would have said yes to the iron-addled hockey puck I assume to be blood pudding. You only live once after all. And “you have to have blood pudding” says the guy who claims everyone has a cardboard cutout of the queen. (I know this entire blog entry screams unreliable narrator but I swear to god…)
My companion was very happy with his full English breakfast which he found to be very filling. I stole some of his beans which I remarked were tomato-y because British baked beans are different than Boston baked beans which rely on molasses. Still, they tasted good and I think our odd conversation was being listened to by everyone else here, especially when I received the Scottish egg and set about dissecting it for science. Mind you, it was egg-shaped and I supposed an actual egg, but that says very little doesn’t it? I cut it in half with a knife I stole from my companion (as my tomato sandwich did not require cutlery.) Inside was indeed a hard-boiled egg. On the outside it seemed to be some sort of sausage-filled batter, deep fried of course. It was filling! And I guess great for shoving in your pockets for later if you happen to work in a Victorian coal mine. I do not. And I’m not the biggest fan of sausage or hard-boiled eggs but that being said it wasn’t bad and I’m happy I tried it. I’m also happy I figured out how to use the odd plate and utensil that came with my tea. I hope the weird stick/spoon thing was to retrieve my tea bag because that’s what I used it for. I have to thank anyone who has ever called me “worldly” because I am 100% faking knowing anything. Please do not leave me unsupervised.
Finally, we ended our little meal and went to the counter which was apparently a danger zone because it was covered in English sweets. Chocolate covered digestives, Turkish delights, Jaffa cakes, numerous candy bars and the like. We took some home to keep on experimenting. I’ve never actually had a digestives with my tea… will it kick it up a notch? Guess we’ll see!
