Joshua Tree National Park California

Disappointed by Vulture City and the Petrified Forest I had to wonder what was in Joshua tree. I imagined it to be someone’s back yard where a small child hugged a tree it had named Joshua. Can’t be disappointed if that’s how much you expect from something.. then again, I have been to the birthplace of Johnny Appleseed.

Joshua Tree is actually another park in the middle of a desert. When I saw that I expected another Big Bend horror story but I was so dead on my feet I needed to stay somewhere. I also hoped for showers. There were none. “Did your bathroom have a light in it?” “No.” “Did yours have soap and paper towels?” “Nope, none of that either, but the toilets did flush, that’s a plus…”

I talked to the personnel there who told me one of the main attractions to Joshua Tree, besides the elusive Joshua Trees themselves were the tortoises. Apparently it is home to a large population of endangered tortoises. I asked were we could see them and the woman claimed they were everywhere. The park itself was huge though, and didn’t have any gas stations so before settling in I left to find gas. The only place nearby did not have its prices advertised and only when you started pumping did you realize they were charging $4.20 per gallon. There were kids everywhere infesting the place but they weren’t just any kids, they were the kids you see in apocalyptic sci-fi movies. There was a van full of teenage girls here with their minister on some Christian mission. They’d written in marker all over the van’s windows with a number of suggestive things, “Hot Chickas on Board.” “We kneel for Jesus,” “Honk if you love Jesus!” I am not sure if their minister was just that out of touch with his flock that he had no idea they were treating this outing as a practical joke or if he just didn’t know how to control them. Either way the boys were even worse than the little prosti-tots.

The place was swarming with tween boys as well. A number of them smelled as if they had never known the word shower. One ten year old boy had bleached permed hair and since he probably already had curly hair to begin with… well he ended up with completely bleached kinky hair, standing straight up, decorated sparsely with a bead here and there. All the kids here were rude, obnoxious, and insinuating. A whole swarm of baby douches. I don’t really approve of that wording but what else could I call them? These kids reminded me of all those stereotyped spoofs of New Jersey.

Have you ever met someone who has had such a traumatic and fucked up childhood that you know they have no chance in hell of functioning normally as an adult in society? I think this godforsaken corner of the desert is where these runaways ended up with their seven children, who all devolved through successive generations until these little treasures came into the world… and ministers, naively, try to save them.

The store itself wasn’t much better than the kids who infested it. There was a shelf labeled “souvenirs” which only contained obscene bric-a-bracs, an Indian woman holding two pots in front of her boobs, a little cactus growing out of each, and a cowboy and Indian man each holding their britches open, a cactus jutting out from them. “What the fuck is wrong with this place?” Bizarrely there was no firewood on offer and the only water being sold was as a nearly solidly frozen two liter bottle of “frozen water,” what us sane people would call ice. I got out of there as soon as I could.

I returned to Joshua Tree so tired, but determined to at least see a tortoise to make it worthwhile. I stopped at the visitor center to pay and get everything settled. I walked back to the car where I found a couple Brits discussing the Jeep.

“Look at that license plate, it says New Hampshire. I’ve been there. Live free or die! I love that!”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? What’s so free about it?”

“I don’t know, I have a T-shirt that reads that.” I was standing off to the side waiting to get into my car, without saying a word, silently laughing to myself that live free or die actually refers to the revolutionary war… live free of the British crown and their taxes or die. I could have said something but I was still a bit shell shocked from the last place we were at and didn’t feel like talking. Besides this guy’s accent was rough! I don’t know which town he originated from but I can tell you it was working class. I waited patiently for them to move out of my way to get back into my car.

I set up the tent in another gusty wind, fighting all the way, trying to get the stakes to actually stay in the loose sand. It was a challenge but when I finally managed the sucker was standing as strong as a tent can stand without use of cement.

I drove around part of the park looking for tortoises. I saw a lot of vaguely tortoise shaped rocks and nothing else. I drove through the cactus garden and checked out the Joshua Trees themselves, which were basically yucca trees with lots of different branches instead of a trunk and some leaves. Eventually I ended up at the springs. I’d hoped to see the oasis but it was a seven mile walk. There was no way I would have survived that, not today! I walked up to the springs and there was some HUGE palm trees, and tangles of plants. I could not keep my eyes open to enjoy its beauty until I heard an impossibly loud HISSSSSSSSSSS and saw someone jump three feet in the air. Rattlesnakes… They were here, thick as my fist and almost as long as I am tall.

I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the way back to the tent. It was 4PM and time for bed. I was toast. I slept like a baby on morphine. I got up to eat dinner a few hours later and went back to bed, not waking up until my alarm went off unexpectedly at 7am. I got up and did some cleaning and took a little walk. On my walk I saw a Jack rabbit, a weird bug, some odd birds, lots and lots of cactuses, evidence of a lapdog, but no tortoises. I took some photos and enjoyed myself, making sure not to wander off the path that I found that seemed to lead straight into the desert for no apparent reason. It led back to the campground. I returned after 30-45 minutes out there. The day before I was told (after setting up the tent) that this loop of the campground was going to be closed for the season today and I had to be out of there by 10, maybe 11 o’clock.

If you are enjoying Catching Marbles please consider adding a dollar or two to my limited gas money fund so I can continue going on adventures and sharing them with you! Thank you!

June 5, 2011 0

Chasing the Jersey Devil – Pine Barons NJ

I wanted to search for the Jersey Devil while I was in New Jersey, I mean who wouldn’t? The Jersey Devil is apparently a demonic beast with the head of a horse, the hooves of a goat, and the wings of a bat. It haunts the New Jersey pine barrens which I was told were super creepy. When I found out there was a camp ground in the pine barrens… well I was delighted! I grew up with a strong tradition of haunted forests in New England and am both fascinated by the stories and comfortable in the woods. I drove up and checked in and I was happy to realize there were only two plots rented out tonight. I practically had the whole park ground myself.

I looked around. In daylight it didn’t appear creepy at all. I started a campfire and cooked my first poor man’s meal, a luscious dinner of Ramon noodles and the best marshmallows I have ever had in my life. I cooked it in a pot not made for camping which quickly turned black and whose plastic handles were threatening to melt. I also couldn’t get it off the fire so easy, having forgot oven mitts… lessons learned… I was both content and went on to pitch the tent in the sand and get everything set up. Though there were clouds in the sky it didn’t look like it’d actually rain. I waited until it got dark and then took a walk around the park on the road, only diverging when I found a very clear path into the woods. There were night birds screaming all night around us and the trees took on a certain suspicious nature when silhouetted against the moon. Their strange gnarled and winding branches seemed to be dancing while sitting still. The darker it got the creepier it seemed but I was still content to be out walking. When I returned to the tent I was so exhausted I collapsed into bed, but awoke at 4AM due to the pouring rain. It was coming down in sheets and there were strange noises all around me. A plastic bottle I had left outside next to the campfire began to menacingly crinkle. There was a great deal of scuttling noises. Instead of stalking the Jersey Devil it seemed the legendary beast was stalking me!

There’s something about running water…. It makes any sane person have to pee…. So when I woke up I was in agony. My bladder was cursing me out hardcore. I decided to brave the rain and go to the bathroom, only to discover crawling out of my sleeping bag that the whole tent was flooding. Water was coming in all directions and dripping off the ceiling and walls. Another lesson learned…. Get bottle of Dry Camp and spray tent… In the morning when I woke up again I was exhausted still but I had an appointment to make with a friend in Philly so I got my sorry bum up, packed up the tent, and promptly left my shoes behind. I was running around stocking-footed you see and… well I did go back to get those cute little converses…

If you are enjoying Catching Marbles please consider adding a dollar or two to my limited gas money fund so I can continue going on adventures and sharing them with you! Thank you!

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May 16, 2011 0

Testing out the New Equipment

So last night I decided to test out the tent and make sure the thing could withstand things like mild weather and an overly curious cat. It sounded like a good idea at the time so I pitched it in the back yard and started a little campfire.

I feasted on turkey burgers, turkey dogs, veggie burgers, potato chips, and potatoes and onions cooked over the coals with butter. I was stuffed to the gills when I decided to hang back and play some scrabble. This is always a fun game, played with the aid of the penguin, a small dictionary with penguin standing somewhat awkwardly on the front. This was an all out brutal competition were words were routinely made up. Anything for an edge. Kerfuffle is really a word. Honestly. The bloodshed kept everyone occupied until the last round when the fire had burned down to coals and the fairy of S’mores was calling my name.

I took my perfectly toasted marshmallow in my hands and carefully sloughed its golden skin off. From here I put my prize between a graham cracker and a bar of Hershey’s chocolate. I munched on the gooey molten mess as I returned my skinless marshmallow to the fire to toast it, and skin it, again. This was made all the easier by using giant S’more marshmallows which must be made for this sort of this. It’s amazing how such an act can transport you right back to being an eight year old girl scout. Oh happy days!

From here I decided to have a little morbid joy saying goodbye to Easter. I’d found stale jelly-filled Peep knock-offs on sale for 25 cents a bag, how could we resist? I threw them on the fire and watched them grow into gooey masses of apple-flavored lava. One of them shot it’s filling out like a little sugary squirt gun of mass destruction. It made such a satisfying bursting and sizzling noise as the toxic sludge rocketed to the other side of the fire pit and caught on fire. I added my own sordid commentary, giving voices to the Peeps, “Nooooooooooo! Why me?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!” as one does.

When I turned in for the night it was already pretty damn cold. The air mattress was blown up but I didn’t have a sleeping bag yet, just a faux lambskin blanket, which normally is very very warm, and a blanket to put on top of the mattress. I also had a pair of flannel PJs and a bathrobe I acquired after hunting down the biggest fluffiest Muppet I could find and taking a Bowie knife after it. I’m still unsure of the legality of Muppet hunting so this will remain a secret between my readers and myself…

Anyway! The tent is very spacious, it even has a front porch and let me tell you, putting it up reminded me of one of those building kits you give bored overly intellectual tweens. In the end I could stand up and walk in it at all points and the queen sized mattress didn’t make it too much smaller. It reminded me of the sort of tent people use when they run away to live with the bears in Alaska. I had it lit really well with a little LED light that could outshine any UFO, and I was quite comfortable… except for the fact I had chosen one of the coldest nights I could have. It dipped into the 30’s and with little to keep me away from the mattress I was freezing my ass off. I got up sore and slightly testy after I achieved somewhere between an hour and an hour and a half of sleep. I looked like crap! But I still got up to rummage through the town wide yard sale, after deconstructing the tent due to the rain I was told was coming at noon (it didn’t.)

At the yard sale I bought a teddy bear for 25 cents to feed my dog. It’s far cheaper than a pet store and whatever child loved the bears and bunnies I throw to her will never know they were fed to a pit bull who likes to pluck off their little beady eyes and noses first before disemboweling them and carefully plucking out their stuffing and dragging it’s deflated skin through the house like it’s the best playmate ever. She’s going to go a little nutty without me for a couple months so I’m spoiling her now with toys… I love my morbid pooch. Pepper is her name.

If you are enjoying Catching Marbles please consider adding a dollar or two to my limited gas money fund so I can continue going on adventures and sharing them with you! Thank you!

May 11, 2011 0